It's that time of year again - the prospect of a New Year, a blank sheet to be better, do better - gets us making our list of resolutions. But how many times have we set off purposefully and diligently, determined to stick to that list this time.. only to see all resolve disappear come March (or earlier). How many of us are actually too scared to make a New Year's resolution in case we fail? Or is that just me?
Well, this year, I invite you to forget making New Year’s Resolutions once a year. Try making them every day.
The road to achieving your New Year’s Resolutions is marked out in days. So, you want to lose 10 pounds in two months? That’s roughly 60 days of eating fewer calories than you burn. Want to get out of debt in six months? That’s 180 days of spending less than you earn and putting that money towards paying off your debts. Need to generate more clients and income in the next month? That's 30 days of generating leads, working on your marketing and building your network.
But forget for a moment how many days you have to reach your goal. In reality, all you need to focus on is one day. Today.
Tomorrow’s successes or failures all depend on what you do today. When tomorrow comes it will simply be another “today”. So, it’s what you do today that counts. And, for that matter, it’s also what you don’t do.
Let's take an example. One of the most common New Year’s Resolutions is to lose weight. The only way to lose weight healthily is to eat fewer calories than you burn off. Or burn more calories than you eat. So if this is your goal, the only way you’re going to achieve it is by eating less, moving more or a mixture of the two.
Many of our goals are long-term. The results we want to achieve are a month or more down the line. Keeping momentum and motivation high can be a real challenge. So, using the example above, think about shifting the way you look at what you want to achieve. Rather than your goal being to lose ten pounds in two months, shift your thinking to the present: Today I want to healthily eat fewer calories than I burn. Today I want to spend 15 minutes doing some exercise.
It's easier to narrow your thinking to the next 24 hours than it is to consider the next three or more months. Being narrow-minded can sometimes be a good thing! When tomorrow comes, start all over again - make your goals anew. String all those todays together, and eventually you reach your goal as a natural and logical consequence of sticking to your daily targets.
So you’ve made your New Year’s Resolutions. Now what? Here’s your 4-step daily action plan to keeping them going:
1. Refresh. Every morning remind yourself of your goal. Make your New Year’s Resolutions all over again, every morning when you wake up. This keeps your momentum and motivation high.
2. Focus. Focus on achieving that goal today. Think only of today. Don’t beat yourself up about the mistakes you made yesterday and don’t overwhelm yourself with the long list of things you have to do tomorrow, next week, next month.
3. Move towards your goal. Make every action today one that moves you towards that goal. If your goal is to lose weight, eating chocolate cake moves you away from your goal. If your goal is to save money, blowing cash on a PS3 or new dress moves you away from that goal. Make a point of asking the question: does this move me towards or away from my goal? Always be moving towards your goal.
4. Reward yourself. Make a list of small rewards: a new book, a lipstick, 30 minutes of “me” time, a bubble bath. Allow yourself a small reward at the end of every day, even if you didn’t meet your daily target. As long as you’re still trying you’re still on the road to achieving your goal and that's worth feeling good about.
In the words of Winston Churchill: Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts. In other words, you only ever fail when you give up.
Think of your New Year’s Resolutions as a plant that needs a little watering and TLC every day. If you take care of today, tomorrow takes care of itself.
Best wishes,
Dawn
Tuesday 28 December 2010
Tuesday 2 November 2010
We're most scared of what we can't see...
A few days ago I had the real pleasure of talking to the wonderful "Heart Doctor" Cathy Matarazzo and her co-host, intrinsic coach, Warren Wojnowski on their brand new radio show Let's Get Real Radio.
We talked about big versus small change, leaps of faith compared to baby steps and everything in between. We also talked about that old biggie - Fear - and how it can keep us stuck.
Cathy asked me if I still had fears of my own to confront. Well, no sooner had the show finished then I found myself facing a real-life fear up close and personal. Alone in the house at 8pm there was a power cut. The house was plunged into darkness (it gets real dark in the country).
Heart pounding, my immediate thought - silly as this now seems - was that someone was trying to break into the house and had cut the electricity. My response? I froze. Standing on the landing in complete darkness I knew I had to go downstairs and find the flashlight but what kept me stuck was not being able to see. I imagined all kinds of worst case scenarios - mostly involving men in balaclavas jumping out at me. How long did it take to convince myself to move? Maybe about five minutes, but they were five very long, gut-wrenching minutes.
In the comfort of bright daylight here in the relative safety of my office I realise that what that little experience teaches me is that fear is at its strongest when we can't see. When we can't see where to put our feet, where the handholds are, what obstacles we might bump into, whether there's a sheer drop we're just inches from stepping into - we freeze. We stay there in the darkness, feeling better off if only because we're not moving forward.
In real life, not knowing what's on the other side of a major life change or decision is enough to root us to the spot.
Talking to Cathy I was minded to recall the quote that got me moving when I felt the most stuck in my life. It's by Anaïs Nin.
I quote this often for a reason. There comes a point where staying where we are - unhappy, unfulfilled, unappreciated - is more frightening than taking those first steps to a new life, to change, to taking control of our own happiness.
You can hear the whole interview with Cathy here
(Check out Cathy's fantastic laugh. If that isn't enough to put a smile on your face I don't know what is!)
Oh, and by the way, there weren't any men in balaclavas. It wasn't a break in. It was just a power cut. And I did make it down from the landing - eventually.
Best wishes,
Dawn
We talked about big versus small change, leaps of faith compared to baby steps and everything in between. We also talked about that old biggie - Fear - and how it can keep us stuck.
Cathy asked me if I still had fears of my own to confront. Well, no sooner had the show finished then I found myself facing a real-life fear up close and personal. Alone in the house at 8pm there was a power cut. The house was plunged into darkness (it gets real dark in the country).
Heart pounding, my immediate thought - silly as this now seems - was that someone was trying to break into the house and had cut the electricity. My response? I froze. Standing on the landing in complete darkness I knew I had to go downstairs and find the flashlight but what kept me stuck was not being able to see. I imagined all kinds of worst case scenarios - mostly involving men in balaclavas jumping out at me. How long did it take to convince myself to move? Maybe about five minutes, but they were five very long, gut-wrenching minutes.
In the comfort of bright daylight here in the relative safety of my office I realise that what that little experience teaches me is that fear is at its strongest when we can't see. When we can't see where to put our feet, where the handholds are, what obstacles we might bump into, whether there's a sheer drop we're just inches from stepping into - we freeze. We stay there in the darkness, feeling better off if only because we're not moving forward.
In real life, not knowing what's on the other side of a major life change or decision is enough to root us to the spot.
Talking to Cathy I was minded to recall the quote that got me moving when I felt the most stuck in my life. It's by Anaïs Nin.
And the time came when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom
I quote this often for a reason. There comes a point where staying where we are - unhappy, unfulfilled, unappreciated - is more frightening than taking those first steps to a new life, to change, to taking control of our own happiness.
You can hear the whole interview with Cathy here
(Check out Cathy's fantastic laugh. If that isn't enough to put a smile on your face I don't know what is!)
Oh, and by the way, there weren't any men in balaclavas. It wasn't a break in. It was just a power cut. And I did make it down from the landing - eventually.
Best wishes,
Dawn
Wednesday 27 October 2010
Small Change. It Adds up to a Lot
When I think about it, I must be something of a change junkie. Looking back over the past 20 years, I've moved country (and continent) five times, moved house more than a dozen times and changed career three.
Each of those moves was a significant life change, involving a big blind leap of faith on my part, grabbing an opportunity and believing all the pieces (small things like oh, where to live and which hospital I might have my baby in) would fall into place. Which they did. Luckily, some might add.
July 4th, 1992, for example, saw me sleeping on a friend's couch having lost a relationship, job and home all in the space of a weekend. It also saw me swimming under the stars at my friend's condominium and feeling freer than I ever had in my life. In the words of Charles Dickens, it was the best and the worst of times. It was also one of the biggest opportunities I have been given - a chance to start from scratch.
The road I thought I was going along quite happily, quite simply disappeared under my feet. It was time to find, or create, a new one. Anything was possible and it was all up to me and what my next decision would be. What I did next took me from San Francisco to Hong Kong and a new career in publishing and media. Out of some of those darkest moments came a dazzling new opportunity. Time to shed off the old and embrace a whole new "New".
Now, I'm not advocating big life-changing decisions right here and now for everyone. But what I love about those big changes is how everything gets thrown up in the air and the cards are allowed to land where they may. They throw up new connections, friendships, hobbies, new sights, sounds, smells. Change that dramatically alters the environment we live and sense in, teaches us ultimately, that what we own and what we have around us pales into insignificance in comparison to who and what we are. And what we're made of.
Big change makes you feel alive. It can also, by the way, almost kill you with stress.
Change junkie that I am, even I recognise that for most of us, the best, most satisfying, longest-lasting (and least traumatic) kind of change is that which occurs a little bit at a time. One eentsy weentsy baby step and then another, then another.
Change doesn't have to play out like a big Hollywood epic. Small changes are those which, on the surface, don't appear to be much, and perhaps no one else notices, but can lead to some of the most transformational shifts in our own behaviour.
Small shifts - deciding to be on time this time, taking one sugar not two in your coffee, choosing to smile more - they're not hard to achieve. They just take a level of deciding and committing.
Imagine we're trains (go with me). You may have noticed this - but trains don't do right angles. They simply can't. Their mass and speed and length makes the whole notion absurd. If a train needs to change direction it does so one millimeter at a time. Very gradually the tracks curve left or right, no sharp movements, no massive change in direction. But before you know it, you've arrived at Brighton rather than Waterloo.
That's not to say 90 or 180 degree changes are wrong. Just not always necessary. Why make a dramatic change when a small one will do?
Sometimes, when we're fed up with our lives, we're tempted to make those big sweeping changes just for the sake of change. But sometimes it only takes a small thing to make all the difference. You may not need to find a new job, but rather change small elements of the one you have. You may think you need to lose 10 pounds, when in reality losing just two makes you feel and look better.
For more, read 10 Ways to Change Your Life in an Instant
In the meantime, I'll be talking about those small changes and how they can dramatically improve your life tonight on Let's Get Real Radio with Cathy Matarazzo, (7pm to 8pm UK time). Listen in here: http://www.letsgetrealradio.ca/
Best wishes
Dawn
Each of those moves was a significant life change, involving a big blind leap of faith on my part, grabbing an opportunity and believing all the pieces (small things like oh, where to live and which hospital I might have my baby in) would fall into place. Which they did. Luckily, some might add.
July 4th, 1992, for example, saw me sleeping on a friend's couch having lost a relationship, job and home all in the space of a weekend. It also saw me swimming under the stars at my friend's condominium and feeling freer than I ever had in my life. In the words of Charles Dickens, it was the best and the worst of times. It was also one of the biggest opportunities I have been given - a chance to start from scratch.
The road I thought I was going along quite happily, quite simply disappeared under my feet. It was time to find, or create, a new one. Anything was possible and it was all up to me and what my next decision would be. What I did next took me from San Francisco to Hong Kong and a new career in publishing and media. Out of some of those darkest moments came a dazzling new opportunity. Time to shed off the old and embrace a whole new "New".
Now, I'm not advocating big life-changing decisions right here and now for everyone. But what I love about those big changes is how everything gets thrown up in the air and the cards are allowed to land where they may. They throw up new connections, friendships, hobbies, new sights, sounds, smells. Change that dramatically alters the environment we live and sense in, teaches us ultimately, that what we own and what we have around us pales into insignificance in comparison to who and what we are. And what we're made of.
Big change makes you feel alive. It can also, by the way, almost kill you with stress.
Change junkie that I am, even I recognise that for most of us, the best, most satisfying, longest-lasting (and least traumatic) kind of change is that which occurs a little bit at a time. One eentsy weentsy baby step and then another, then another.
Change doesn't have to play out like a big Hollywood epic. Small changes are those which, on the surface, don't appear to be much, and perhaps no one else notices, but can lead to some of the most transformational shifts in our own behaviour.
Small shifts - deciding to be on time this time, taking one sugar not two in your coffee, choosing to smile more - they're not hard to achieve. They just take a level of deciding and committing.
Imagine we're trains (go with me). You may have noticed this - but trains don't do right angles. They simply can't. Their mass and speed and length makes the whole notion absurd. If a train needs to change direction it does so one millimeter at a time. Very gradually the tracks curve left or right, no sharp movements, no massive change in direction. But before you know it, you've arrived at Brighton rather than Waterloo.
That's not to say 90 or 180 degree changes are wrong. Just not always necessary. Why make a dramatic change when a small one will do?
Sometimes, when we're fed up with our lives, we're tempted to make those big sweeping changes just for the sake of change. But sometimes it only takes a small thing to make all the difference. You may not need to find a new job, but rather change small elements of the one you have. You may think you need to lose 10 pounds, when in reality losing just two makes you feel and look better.
When it comes to making changes, the following is true:
- Change does happen overnight. It's the process of getting to the change that takes time.
- The toughest place to be is Making a Decision
- Smart change means resisting the temptation to throw everything away. It means recognising and keeping what's good, and addressing the not-so-good.
- The unknown is a doorway not a cliff. Change may be terrifying but it is also liberating.
For more, read 10 Ways to Change Your Life in an Instant
In the meantime, I'll be talking about those small changes and how they can dramatically improve your life tonight on Let's Get Real Radio with Cathy Matarazzo, (7pm to 8pm UK time). Listen in here: http://www.letsgetrealradio.ca/
Best wishes
Dawn
10 Ways to Change Your Life in an Instant
Contrary to what some might say, change does and can happen overnight. It happens quickly when we experience a deep and profound shift in the way we think. We get to the line we need to cross, step over it and realise we are never going to take the step back again.
While this shift can happen in an instant, it is often as a result of weeks, months, even years of agonising and deliberating over. The most difficult place to be is stuck in the process of making a decision.
With that in mind, here's a set of life-hacking techniques to bring change into your life without the fuss.
1. Change your perception
How we perceive our current situation is our reality. Changing our perception changes our reality. Sounds a bit heavy I know - but what this means is, you can change your life simply by looking at it in a different way. People experience this most dramatically when they have a chance to see their own life in contrast to someone better or worse off. Your problems don't seem like problems compared to a prisoner's or someone with only months to live, for example.
Action Ask yourself: How can I look at this situation differently/more positively/from a different angle? List the ways your perception of the situation might be hindering rather than helping you.
2. Tackle Your Tolerations
Tolerations are all those annoying things we're putting up with: the dripping tap, the pile of filing that's been sitting on the desk for months. The cumulative effect is that they zap energy and leave you feeling irritable and overwhelmed. Hardly a great frame of mind to be in if you want to create change in your life.
Action Grab a piece of paper and a pen. Write down everything (and everyone) that is bothering you. Don't edit yourself. Carry on writing until you can't think of anything else. Your goal is now to tackle one thing on that list per week. Get the tap fixed. Do your filing. Cross each item off as you do it. Your goal is to get to ZERO tolerations. How long it takes is up to you.
3. Change what you really think of yourself
How often does the internal critic pop up in your head listing all the ways you don't measure up? We believe everything we tell ourselves - unfortunately it's human nature to focus on our negatives rather than our positives. But how true are our own self-criticisms?
Action Day One- Spend a day taking note of all the times you say (out loud or internally) something negative about yourself. How often do you say things like - I'm so fat, I'm useless at numbers, etc etc? Write these down. Take each one and challenge it. Are you really all those things you say about yourself? Day Two and onwards - every time you catch yourself saying something negative, stop. Swap it for something positive. The goal is to eliminate all negative limiting beliefs from your thoughts.
4. Try something you've never done before
There's nothing like trying something new and different to alter your perspective and get you out of a rut.
Action Make a list of everything you really want to do or try in your life. Choose one thing. Do it. Move on to the next thing. Ask yourself - what is stopping me from doing this? What would it take for me to do this?
5. Find out where A is
To get anywhere different you need to have a clear picture of where you're starting from.
Action Take stock. Do a Life Audit. Assess your relationships, physical health, finances, work and career. Where are you really? What are you in denial about/not facing up to. This is point A - your starting point.
6. Decide where you want B to be
Action Imagine your own idea of a perfect life. Where do you live, what do you do? How often do you go out, what do you like to do in your spare time? Write it down. No need to edit, it's not an exercise in what's realistic. It's pure escapism (for the time being). What would it take you to get from where you are now (point A as defined in 5) to where you want to go - Point B? Be your own Sat Nav.
7. Perform a random act of kindness
It sounds a little twee maybe but it works. My own coach selects a random name from the phone directory every Christmas and sends that person £20 along with a note asking them to accept the gift and enjoy it however they see fit. That might not be to everyone's taste. But psychological research shows giving makes us feel happy and more fulfilled.
Action Find your own way to perform a random act of kindness.
8. Change your routine
We get into a pattern where we accept the routines we've created for ourselves. Don't settle. If you need a quick boost or feel in need of instant change, make a few alterations to your day.
Action Change the time you get up, exercise, what you have for breakfast, your route to work and your means of getting there, what you do for lunch, what you do when you get home and so on. You don't have to change everything. Pick one or two things if that's what feels right. Small changes to your routine can be enough to kick-start you out of the rut.
9. Stop should-ing yourself
Ever caught yourself saying "I should be doing x" or "I really need to do y"? The word should rings alarms bells to coaches as it indicates that a client is doing something that goes against what they really want to do. It does not come from an internal desire or motivation. Someone who says "I really should lose weight" hasn't yet got to the place where they want to lose weight, so any chance of actually sticking to a diet and exercise programme is highly unlikely.
Action List all the times you say should. Catch yourself when you say it. Challenge why you are using the word "should". Do you really want to lose weight, take a job offer, follow a certain career path - or are these someone else's expectations of you. Ask yourself: who am I doing this for? Practise saying no to things you feel you "should do" and focusing on things you are motivated to do.
10. Just say Yes
Do you automatically say no to something - a request, an invitation - without thinking it through? We can get into a pattern of saying no, when if we really thought about it, there's no reason not to say Yes. I'm thinking of my own children and how often they'll come to me to ask me something - along the lines of "Can you read me a story?" or "Can you play with me? And, being busy in the middle of making dinner or sending an email, I usually brush it off with a "Not now, later". What I find, in reality is just 5 minutes of my attention makes all the difference.
Action What are you saying No to when there's no reason not to say Yes?
Good luck with all your changes - big and small!
Best wishes,
Dawn
While this shift can happen in an instant, it is often as a result of weeks, months, even years of agonising and deliberating over. The most difficult place to be is stuck in the process of making a decision.
With that in mind, here's a set of life-hacking techniques to bring change into your life without the fuss.
1. Change your perception
How we perceive our current situation is our reality. Changing our perception changes our reality. Sounds a bit heavy I know - but what this means is, you can change your life simply by looking at it in a different way. People experience this most dramatically when they have a chance to see their own life in contrast to someone better or worse off. Your problems don't seem like problems compared to a prisoner's or someone with only months to live, for example.
Action Ask yourself: How can I look at this situation differently/more positively/from a different angle? List the ways your perception of the situation might be hindering rather than helping you.
2. Tackle Your Tolerations
Tolerations are all those annoying things we're putting up with: the dripping tap, the pile of filing that's been sitting on the desk for months. The cumulative effect is that they zap energy and leave you feeling irritable and overwhelmed. Hardly a great frame of mind to be in if you want to create change in your life.
Action Grab a piece of paper and a pen. Write down everything (and everyone) that is bothering you. Don't edit yourself. Carry on writing until you can't think of anything else. Your goal is now to tackle one thing on that list per week. Get the tap fixed. Do your filing. Cross each item off as you do it. Your goal is to get to ZERO tolerations. How long it takes is up to you.
3. Change what you really think of yourself
How often does the internal critic pop up in your head listing all the ways you don't measure up? We believe everything we tell ourselves - unfortunately it's human nature to focus on our negatives rather than our positives. But how true are our own self-criticisms?
Action Day One- Spend a day taking note of all the times you say (out loud or internally) something negative about yourself. How often do you say things like - I'm so fat, I'm useless at numbers, etc etc? Write these down. Take each one and challenge it. Are you really all those things you say about yourself? Day Two and onwards - every time you catch yourself saying something negative, stop. Swap it for something positive. The goal is to eliminate all negative limiting beliefs from your thoughts.
4. Try something you've never done before
There's nothing like trying something new and different to alter your perspective and get you out of a rut.
Action Make a list of everything you really want to do or try in your life. Choose one thing. Do it. Move on to the next thing. Ask yourself - what is stopping me from doing this? What would it take for me to do this?
5. Find out where A is
To get anywhere different you need to have a clear picture of where you're starting from.
Action Take stock. Do a Life Audit. Assess your relationships, physical health, finances, work and career. Where are you really? What are you in denial about/not facing up to. This is point A - your starting point.
6. Decide where you want B to be
Action Imagine your own idea of a perfect life. Where do you live, what do you do? How often do you go out, what do you like to do in your spare time? Write it down. No need to edit, it's not an exercise in what's realistic. It's pure escapism (for the time being). What would it take you to get from where you are now (point A as defined in 5) to where you want to go - Point B? Be your own Sat Nav.
7. Perform a random act of kindness
It sounds a little twee maybe but it works. My own coach selects a random name from the phone directory every Christmas and sends that person £20 along with a note asking them to accept the gift and enjoy it however they see fit. That might not be to everyone's taste. But psychological research shows giving makes us feel happy and more fulfilled.
Action Find your own way to perform a random act of kindness.
8. Change your routine
We get into a pattern where we accept the routines we've created for ourselves. Don't settle. If you need a quick boost or feel in need of instant change, make a few alterations to your day.
Action Change the time you get up, exercise, what you have for breakfast, your route to work and your means of getting there, what you do for lunch, what you do when you get home and so on. You don't have to change everything. Pick one or two things if that's what feels right. Small changes to your routine can be enough to kick-start you out of the rut.
9. Stop should-ing yourself
Ever caught yourself saying "I should be doing x" or "I really need to do y"? The word should rings alarms bells to coaches as it indicates that a client is doing something that goes against what they really want to do. It does not come from an internal desire or motivation. Someone who says "I really should lose weight" hasn't yet got to the place where they want to lose weight, so any chance of actually sticking to a diet and exercise programme is highly unlikely.
Action List all the times you say should. Catch yourself when you say it. Challenge why you are using the word "should". Do you really want to lose weight, take a job offer, follow a certain career path - or are these someone else's expectations of you. Ask yourself: who am I doing this for? Practise saying no to things you feel you "should do" and focusing on things you are motivated to do.
10. Just say Yes
Do you automatically say no to something - a request, an invitation - without thinking it through? We can get into a pattern of saying no, when if we really thought about it, there's no reason not to say Yes. I'm thinking of my own children and how often they'll come to me to ask me something - along the lines of "Can you read me a story?" or "Can you play with me? And, being busy in the middle of making dinner or sending an email, I usually brush it off with a "Not now, later". What I find, in reality is just 5 minutes of my attention makes all the difference.
Action What are you saying No to when there's no reason not to say Yes?
Good luck with all your changes - big and small!
Best wishes,
Dawn
Thursday 7 October 2010
I felt so bad I...
When it comes to physical and emotional pain, we're quite clear on whether something hurts or not, and of course where it hurts. What we're not so clear on describing is how something hurts, or how much.
In other words, when we're trying to tell someone how bad we really feel, do they actually get it? Do they understand completely, this huge abstract and intangible thing we feel as pain? They can't see it, or touch it. Is their understanding of our pain limited by the language we use to express it?
According to Dr David Biro, author of The Language of Pain - Finding Words, Compassion and Relief, the answer is usually yes. Describing pain in more detail and more specifically to your doctor, for example, he says can make all the difference to your treatment, and can in some cases save your life.
"A good description of pain can be as important as a physical exam or an MRI scan in making the right diagnosis of an illness", (The Importance of Describing Pain to your GP, Dr David Biro, The Times, 31st August 2010).
"Saying your pain is a seven out of ten doesn’t convey very much," he says. "Rather, tell the doctor how pain affects your life — it’s so bad that it wakes me up at night - and what makes it better or worse - it helps to prop my leg on a pillow. A good story always registers more effectively than an abstract number."
So what about our emotional pain? Does the same rule apply when trying to convey how another's words or actions might have hurt us, for example?
With that in mind, I adapted Dr David's methodology to my own coaching sessions, in particular with the idea of helping my clients create a breakthrough in communication whether in their personal or professional lives. In the case of William*, a rugby-playing, hard-edged Alpha Male, the results were so profound, they've changed his negotiating style for the better.
I suggested instead that he be absolutely truthful and give a very colourful description of how his solicitor's actions had made him feel including the consequences of those feelings, along the lines of "Your handling of this case was so shockingly poor I became so stressed to the point that I was physically ill".
William thought about it for a moment. Talking about feelings wasn't usually part of his professional everyday vocabulary. But after a while I could see he was getting quite enthusiastic about the idea. He said he would give it a go.
I didn't have to wait long to find out how it went. A day later, William bounded up to me with a twinkle in his eye. "You know that advice you gave me, about describing to my solicitor how ill I had felt over his handling of the house sale? Well it absolutely worked. Thank you."
Dr David Biro teaches at SUNY Downstate, an academic medical centre in New York. The Language of Pain: Finding Words, Compassion, and Relief by David Biro is published by W. W.Norton, 18.99
In other words, when we're trying to tell someone how bad we really feel, do they actually get it? Do they understand completely, this huge abstract and intangible thing we feel as pain? They can't see it, or touch it. Is their understanding of our pain limited by the language we use to express it?
According to Dr David Biro, author of The Language of Pain - Finding Words, Compassion and Relief, the answer is usually yes. Describing pain in more detail and more specifically to your doctor, for example, he says can make all the difference to your treatment, and can in some cases save your life.
"A good description of pain can be as important as a physical exam or an MRI scan in making the right diagnosis of an illness", (The Importance of Describing Pain to your GP, Dr David Biro, The Times, 31st August 2010).
"Saying your pain is a seven out of ten doesn’t convey very much," he says. "Rather, tell the doctor how pain affects your life — it’s so bad that it wakes me up at night - and what makes it better or worse - it helps to prop my leg on a pillow. A good story always registers more effectively than an abstract number."
"A good story always registers more effectively than an abstract number"
So what about our emotional pain? Does the same rule apply when trying to convey how another's words or actions might have hurt us, for example?
With that in mind, I adapted Dr David's methodology to my own coaching sessions, in particular with the idea of helping my clients create a breakthrough in communication whether in their personal or professional lives. In the case of William*, a rugby-playing, hard-edged Alpha Male, the results were so profound, they've changed his negotiating style for the better.
William was furious with his solicitors who had, he believed, acted completely negligently in the purchase of his new house, to the extent that the sale almost didn't go through. To William, this wasn't just any house, it was his dream home, a beautiful house in a rural setting he'd first set eyes on some eight months' earlier. After months of negotiating, the house was almost his, until his solicitor got involved and started causing problems.
"It was clear he was too busy to read through the information he was being sent through by the vendor's solicitors. He wasn't passing on questions I had about the house, I had to rewrite letters he was sending to the other side, and on the day we were about to exchange, he went on holiday. The first I knew about it was the "out of office" notice I received when I sent him an email".
Says William, "I completely lost it at that point. I got angrier than I have ever been in my life. I could feel my blood pressure rising and I felt absolutely sick with stress and dread".
"It was clear he was too busy to read through the information he was being sent through by the vendor's solicitors. He wasn't passing on questions I had about the house, I had to rewrite letters he was sending to the other side, and on the day we were about to exchange, he went on holiday. The first I knew about it was the "out of office" notice I received when I sent him an email".
Says William, "I completely lost it at that point. I got angrier than I have ever been in my life. I could feel my blood pressure rising and I felt absolutely sick with stress and dread".
William came to me wanting some coaching ahead of a phone call he wanted to make to his solicitor to go over the handling of the conveyancing and also to negotiate the fees down.
As we discussed how he wanted the negotiations to go, I was aware that William was using very vague and emotionless words to describe his feelings. He said things like, "The service was completely unacceptable" and, "The handling of this was incredibly unprofessional". The words may sound very adult and sensible but they did little to convey the desperation William had actually been feeling at the time. The words were a barrier rather than a conduit.
As we discussed how he wanted the negotiations to go, I was aware that William was using very vague and emotionless words to describe his feelings. He said things like, "The service was completely unacceptable" and, "The handling of this was incredibly unprofessional". The words may sound very adult and sensible but they did little to convey the desperation William had actually been feeling at the time. The words were a barrier rather than a conduit.
I suggested instead that he be absolutely truthful and give a very colourful description of how his solicitor's actions had made him feel including the consequences of those feelings, along the lines of "Your handling of this case was so shockingly poor I became so stressed to the point that I was physically ill".
William thought about it for a moment. Talking about feelings wasn't usually part of his professional everyday vocabulary. But after a while I could see he was getting quite enthusiastic about the idea. He said he would give it a go.
I didn't have to wait long to find out how it went. A day later, William bounded up to me with a twinkle in his eye. "You know that advice you gave me, about describing to my solicitor how ill I had felt over his handling of the house sale? Well it absolutely worked. Thank you."
According to William, the conversation had started very stilted, with both sides acting defensively to the point where no progress was being made. "But when I said how ill the whole situation had made me, the conversation changed. We started talking on the same level. I think by being so open and honest, it brought down some barriers. Everything changed from that point on".
William was able to negotiate the fees down, the lawyer apologised, the conversation ended on a mutually agreeable note.
William was able to negotiate the fees down, the lawyer apologised, the conversation ended on a mutually agreeable note.
Being specific about how things affect us - not just "this upset me" or "I was bothered by"... but saying "I was so annoyed I went home in a mood, and had an argument with my husband and my whole evening was ruined" or "She provoked me so much I literally broke down sobbing" - can be incredibly transformative. It may sound weak to describe your feelings in this way, but by doing so you paint a picture of colour and depth to the other person in a way they can't help identify and, hopefully, empathise with.
In other words:
1. Be specific - say exactly what's bothering you and why.
2. Be descriptive - describe how something has affected you on a personal level.
3. Describe the consequences of how something has made you feel: "I was so upset by your comment I didn't sleep all night", for example, rather than "I was really upset".
3. Describe the consequences of how something has made you feel: "I was so upset by your comment I didn't sleep all night", for example, rather than "I was really upset".
Best wishes,
Dawn
Dr David Biro teaches at SUNY Downstate, an academic medical centre in New York. The Language of Pain: Finding Words, Compassion, and Relief by David Biro is published by W. W.Norton, 18.99
Thursday 16 September 2010
Step Away from the Crazy
The problem with a problem sometimes isn't actually the problem itself. Sometimes, the real problem with a problem is how consumed we become by it. We dwell on it, go over and over it in our minds, lose sleep over it, get ourselves twisted and tied up in knots and let that problem start to take over. That is, until we find a solution.
Ironically, the more we dwell and focus on the problem, the less easy finding a solution becomes. Standing too close to a problem looks something like this.
That's a really nice big crazy mess you've got there.
Well, keeping your eyes on that same big crazy mess, take a step back. Take ten. At some point soon, it might start looking something like this:
This is the same problem, in perspective. All that white space is the other stuff in our lives. It's the friends we spend time with, the community we live in and engage with, it's the walk with the dog or the exercise at the gym, it's browsing a book shop, it's surfing the net. It's nice and clear, trouble-free white space. And it's where, more often than not, the solution to your brain-numbing problem lies.
How often have you struggled with an issue, only to have a friend inadvertently come up with the right answer? How often have you had a light bulb moment while exercising or in the shower, or doing the washing up? Incidentally, Agatha Christie said she used to come up with all her plots while doing the washing up. i.e. not sitting at her desk with a pen and paper trying to develop a story. Creating distance creates white space. Or in other words, if you focus too hard on a problem that's all you will see.
Five top problem busters:
1. Step away from the problem. Switch off your computer, iPad, mobile, whatever you're tied to. Remove yourself from the physical environment you're in - get outside, go for a walk, do anything but think about the issue you're wrestling with.
2. Change your routine. Our brains get set in their ways and become lazy when it comes to problem solving. We have a routine, we stick to it, our brains accept the status quo. Changing your routine creates a shift in your brain, forcing it to wake up and react to new stimuli. Shifts are great for creativity. And creativity is great for problem solving. So change what you eat for breakfast, the route you take to work, the music you listen to, do something you wouldn't normally do like enroll in a salsa class or get out of town for a day.
3. Speaking of creativity. The most effective problem solvers are the most creative. And I don't mean artists or musicians or dancers, necessarily. Creative problem solving means looking at every single factor and resource available and then coming up with as many different ways to combine those factors and resources to solve the problem. Make a list of everyone and everything around you who might offer a solution. Now list every single way in which each of those can help. Don't dismiss any ideas at the start, just list them all, even if they seem ridiculous. Now start whittling down the list until you're left with one or two good solutions.
4. Let people know you need help. People like to help and, more often than not, will if they can. Don't keep a problem to yourself when three or four people around you might be only too willing to pitch in and help you out. One of many of my grandma's sayings: "A problem shared is a problem halved".
5. Keep things in perspective and keep it light! Ask yourself, on a scale of 1 to 10 how bad is this problem? Handle it appropriately. Keep a sense of humour and build in some fun to your day. Remember fun? Your problem won't go away if you go out and enjoy yourself, but keeping things in perspective will ultimately help you get through.
Best wishes,
Dawn
Ironically, the more we dwell and focus on the problem, the less easy finding a solution becomes. Standing too close to a problem looks something like this.
Well, keeping your eyes on that same big crazy mess, take a step back. Take ten. At some point soon, it might start looking something like this:
This is the same problem, in perspective. All that white space is the other stuff in our lives. It's the friends we spend time with, the community we live in and engage with, it's the walk with the dog or the exercise at the gym, it's browsing a book shop, it's surfing the net. It's nice and clear, trouble-free white space. And it's where, more often than not, the solution to your brain-numbing problem lies.
How often have you struggled with an issue, only to have a friend inadvertently come up with the right answer? How often have you had a light bulb moment while exercising or in the shower, or doing the washing up? Incidentally, Agatha Christie said she used to come up with all her plots while doing the washing up. i.e. not sitting at her desk with a pen and paper trying to develop a story. Creating distance creates white space. Or in other words, if you focus too hard on a problem that's all you will see.
Five top problem busters:
1. Step away from the problem. Switch off your computer, iPad, mobile, whatever you're tied to. Remove yourself from the physical environment you're in - get outside, go for a walk, do anything but think about the issue you're wrestling with.
2. Change your routine. Our brains get set in their ways and become lazy when it comes to problem solving. We have a routine, we stick to it, our brains accept the status quo. Changing your routine creates a shift in your brain, forcing it to wake up and react to new stimuli. Shifts are great for creativity. And creativity is great for problem solving. So change what you eat for breakfast, the route you take to work, the music you listen to, do something you wouldn't normally do like enroll in a salsa class or get out of town for a day.
3. Speaking of creativity. The most effective problem solvers are the most creative. And I don't mean artists or musicians or dancers, necessarily. Creative problem solving means looking at every single factor and resource available and then coming up with as many different ways to combine those factors and resources to solve the problem. Make a list of everyone and everything around you who might offer a solution. Now list every single way in which each of those can help. Don't dismiss any ideas at the start, just list them all, even if they seem ridiculous. Now start whittling down the list until you're left with one or two good solutions.
4. Let people know you need help. People like to help and, more often than not, will if they can. Don't keep a problem to yourself when three or four people around you might be only too willing to pitch in and help you out. One of many of my grandma's sayings: "A problem shared is a problem halved".
5. Keep things in perspective and keep it light! Ask yourself, on a scale of 1 to 10 how bad is this problem? Handle it appropriately. Keep a sense of humour and build in some fun to your day. Remember fun? Your problem won't go away if you go out and enjoy yourself, but keeping things in perspective will ultimately help you get through.
Best wishes,
Dawn
Monday 6 September 2010
So, where were we?
At the start of 2010, there was a hope that this year would bring good things, exciting developments and most of all positive changes. It hasn't disappointed.
Over the summer I moved to a farm in East Sussex, complete with a paddock, orchard, deer and rabbits in the garden, blackberry bushes and apple trees wherever we go, and breathtaking views over the Downs and surrounding farmland. It is truly beautiful and most of the time I catch myself, wondering what on earth I've done to deserve all this.
True, I was expecting the move to be more stressful. They say moving house is up there with death and divorce in terms of creating stress. I knew that, was aware of it and expected the stress levels to soar through the roof when I moved my family "to the country". It wasn't just a house move, but a lifestyle move, merging two families into one, and getting used to a whole new way (read: slower) way of living out in our East Sussex village. But some of the stress in our lives really is of our own doing, something I've become acutely aware of these past two weeks.
Not quite having made the adjustment to the different pace of life, when the kids started school last week I left the house half an hour early to drive the two miles to the neighbouring village. I was expecting the usual heavy "school run" traffic - "Chelsea tractors", traffic backed up for miles, a 15-minute battle to find a parking space within a mile of the school gates.
Well, the roads were completely empty. Not a car, not a bike. Not even a real tractor.
We arrived at the school 20 minutes early, me clearly looking like the keenest Mum on the block. Taking on board the expression When life gives you lemons, make lemonade we spent 15 minutes watching and talking to the ducks on the pond by the school. When the gates finally did open, the usual school commute stress had evaporated completely. Which, if anything, helped me blend in with the other parents who all looked remarkably stress-free, happy and relaxed.
Sometimes it's not the big life changes that cause the most stress, but the smaller mental shifts we have to make as a consequence. Those small mental shifts - getting used to the layout of a new house, where all the light switches are, which day the rubbish goes out - all feel like they're firing up different synapses in the brain. Which is perhaps why a change really is as good as a rest! It's a break from routine, it shakes things up a bit, gives you a different perspective on life - all those good cliches!
But, just in case I miss the faster pace of life, I will be up in London several times a month to take my usual coaching sessions. And the usual coaching news, tips and guides will be back from next month.
Best wishes,
Dawn
Over the summer I moved to a farm in East Sussex, complete with a paddock, orchard, deer and rabbits in the garden, blackberry bushes and apple trees wherever we go, and breathtaking views over the Downs and surrounding farmland. It is truly beautiful and most of the time I catch myself, wondering what on earth I've done to deserve all this.
True, I was expecting the move to be more stressful. They say moving house is up there with death and divorce in terms of creating stress. I knew that, was aware of it and expected the stress levels to soar through the roof when I moved my family "to the country". It wasn't just a house move, but a lifestyle move, merging two families into one, and getting used to a whole new way (read: slower) way of living out in our East Sussex village. But some of the stress in our lives really is of our own doing, something I've become acutely aware of these past two weeks.
Not quite having made the adjustment to the different pace of life, when the kids started school last week I left the house half an hour early to drive the two miles to the neighbouring village. I was expecting the usual heavy "school run" traffic - "Chelsea tractors", traffic backed up for miles, a 15-minute battle to find a parking space within a mile of the school gates.
Well, the roads were completely empty. Not a car, not a bike. Not even a real tractor.
We arrived at the school 20 minutes early, me clearly looking like the keenest Mum on the block. Taking on board the expression When life gives you lemons, make lemonade we spent 15 minutes watching and talking to the ducks on the pond by the school. When the gates finally did open, the usual school commute stress had evaporated completely. Which, if anything, helped me blend in with the other parents who all looked remarkably stress-free, happy and relaxed.
Sometimes it's not the big life changes that cause the most stress, but the smaller mental shifts we have to make as a consequence. Those small mental shifts - getting used to the layout of a new house, where all the light switches are, which day the rubbish goes out - all feel like they're firing up different synapses in the brain. Which is perhaps why a change really is as good as a rest! It's a break from routine, it shakes things up a bit, gives you a different perspective on life - all those good cliches!
But, just in case I miss the faster pace of life, I will be up in London several times a month to take my usual coaching sessions. And the usual coaching news, tips and guides will be back from next month.
Best wishes,
Dawn
Monday 17 May 2010
Five lessons I learnt in the swimming pool
Back in February of this year I decided to start swimming. I've never been a great swimmer, actually not even very comfortable in water. On the first attempt I managed two lengths (of a very small pool). My heart felt like it was going to burst through my chest, my legs and arms felt wobbly, the blood in my ears pounded. Slightly disappointing, in other words.
I don't know why I continued over the next few days and weeks. I do remember using the promise of the sauna and steam room as a reward for sticking it out for another five minutes. Just five minutes more. Two lengths became five, five became 10. I remember the day I told family and friends I'd be breaking through the 20-length barrier that day. I did 30.
Okay, I'm sounding like I'm showing off but really I'm just trying to say I'm a rubbish swimmer, so if I can do it anyone can. So, now I swim 50 lengths three or four times a week. And I love it. The calmness of the water, feeling how much stronger my arms and legs are these days, the hypnotic, meditative rhythm of hearing my breathing in my ears as I dip underwater and surface to exhale. I am converted.
By thirty lengths I get into my stride, my mind tunes out and swimming becomes hypnotic. It's in the last 20 laps I like to think I do my best thinking. This morning I started to see how lessons from the swimming pool can be used in real everyday life.
1. Don't limit yourself to rules of your own making
My pool has three blue lines painted on the bottom. They demarcate the lanes. This morning I started off with the pool to myself. No reason to stick to any particular lane then I thought. So, very indulgently, I swam down the middle of the pool, spreading out, feeling very good about myself. Five minutes later I was joined by an elderly woman. We nodded to each other and she got in... right next to me, following the blue line painted on the bottom, even though she also had plenty of pool to spread out in. This forced me up against the side wall. I started to get a bit annoyed. I tried to think of coach-like ways to say "Can you move over?". "Look at all this space, isn't it nice to be able to spread out..?" In the end I decided to just tune the external distraction out and concentrate on my own swimming. But I wondered - why do some people stick to the lines, even when they've got a whole pool to spread out in?
2. Choose the right goal
At one point, buoyed on by my progress, I boasted my ultimate goal would be to swim 100 lengths. When I started regularly swimming 50 lengths I noticed it took me about 25 minutes. I feel great, I've lost weight, toned up and feel healthy. It's 30 minutes of exercise, three times a week. Just what the doctor ordered. I suddenly questioned whether there was any real reason to aim for 100 lengths? Would I feel any better than I do now, or was it just an ego trip? Worse, that would be an hour in the pool which could lead to boredom and fatigue. The 100-length goal suddenly didn't seem so valid after all. So, regularly re-evaluate your goals - if they're still relevant fine, if not, dump them.
3. The more people in the pool, the choppier it gets
It's all very well swimming in an empty pool. The water's calm and peaceful, it's easy to hit your stride. As more people get in though, the water gets choppier, it gets harder to move yourself forward and not be rocked side to side by the "waves", water gets in your eyes and mouth... it's not pleasant. The same could be said to be true of the office, your business dealings, your home life.. the more people involved, the choppier it gets. In the water, you wear goggles, you hold your breath. More important you shut your mouth so as not to swallow the swimming pool.
... wear goggles, hold your breath, shut your mouth. Develop a way to protect yourself when things get rough.
4. Tune in, not out - become aware of yourself
As I mentioned above, after about 30 lengths I get into the zone. My breathing becomes really deep and regular, my arms and legs move smoothly, it becomes almost effortless. I stop thinking about swimming and start feeling the swimming, how good the water feels, how strong my arms and legs are. With the sound of my breathing as a background to my thoughts, I get into a very nice place to think about work, family, stuff that's come up, without any other distractions. When life gets noisy and there are too many distractions, it's sometimes good to block out the bigger picture and focus on the smaller things for a brief period of time.
And lastly,
5. There is a deep end. This is you out of your comfort zone. Tread water
Best wishes,
Dawn
I don't know why I continued over the next few days and weeks. I do remember using the promise of the sauna and steam room as a reward for sticking it out for another five minutes. Just five minutes more. Two lengths became five, five became 10. I remember the day I told family and friends I'd be breaking through the 20-length barrier that day. I did 30.
Okay, I'm sounding like I'm showing off but really I'm just trying to say I'm a rubbish swimmer, so if I can do it anyone can. So, now I swim 50 lengths three or four times a week. And I love it. The calmness of the water, feeling how much stronger my arms and legs are these days, the hypnotic, meditative rhythm of hearing my breathing in my ears as I dip underwater and surface to exhale. I am converted.
By thirty lengths I get into my stride, my mind tunes out and swimming becomes hypnotic. It's in the last 20 laps I like to think I do my best thinking. This morning I started to see how lessons from the swimming pool can be used in real everyday life.
1. Don't limit yourself to rules of your own making
My pool has three blue lines painted on the bottom. They demarcate the lanes. This morning I started off with the pool to myself. No reason to stick to any particular lane then I thought. So, very indulgently, I swam down the middle of the pool, spreading out, feeling very good about myself. Five minutes later I was joined by an elderly woman. We nodded to each other and she got in... right next to me, following the blue line painted on the bottom, even though she also had plenty of pool to spread out in. This forced me up against the side wall. I started to get a bit annoyed. I tried to think of coach-like ways to say "Can you move over?". "Look at all this space, isn't it nice to be able to spread out..?" In the end I decided to just tune the external distraction out and concentrate on my own swimming. But I wondered - why do some people stick to the lines, even when they've got a whole pool to spread out in?
2. Choose the right goal
At one point, buoyed on by my progress, I boasted my ultimate goal would be to swim 100 lengths. When I started regularly swimming 50 lengths I noticed it took me about 25 minutes. I feel great, I've lost weight, toned up and feel healthy. It's 30 minutes of exercise, three times a week. Just what the doctor ordered. I suddenly questioned whether there was any real reason to aim for 100 lengths? Would I feel any better than I do now, or was it just an ego trip? Worse, that would be an hour in the pool which could lead to boredom and fatigue. The 100-length goal suddenly didn't seem so valid after all. So, regularly re-evaluate your goals - if they're still relevant fine, if not, dump them.
3. The more people in the pool, the choppier it gets
It's all very well swimming in an empty pool. The water's calm and peaceful, it's easy to hit your stride. As more people get in though, the water gets choppier, it gets harder to move yourself forward and not be rocked side to side by the "waves", water gets in your eyes and mouth... it's not pleasant. The same could be said to be true of the office, your business dealings, your home life.. the more people involved, the choppier it gets. In the water, you wear goggles, you hold your breath. More important you shut your mouth so as not to swallow the swimming pool.
... wear goggles, hold your breath, shut your mouth. Develop a way to protect yourself when things get rough.
4. Tune in, not out - become aware of yourself
As I mentioned above, after about 30 lengths I get into the zone. My breathing becomes really deep and regular, my arms and legs move smoothly, it becomes almost effortless. I stop thinking about swimming and start feeling the swimming, how good the water feels, how strong my arms and legs are. With the sound of my breathing as a background to my thoughts, I get into a very nice place to think about work, family, stuff that's come up, without any other distractions. When life gets noisy and there are too many distractions, it's sometimes good to block out the bigger picture and focus on the smaller things for a brief period of time.
And lastly,
5. There is a deep end. This is you out of your comfort zone. Tread water
Best wishes,
Dawn
Wednesday 12 May 2010
Need vs Needy
How often do you think about what you really need? Not want - that's a different thing altogether. But need. What do you really need to be happy? To be living a life that feels just comfortable, relatively easy, just right? And.... how much of that stuff do you need?
Need is a funny thing. As humans we have basic physical needs: to eat, sleep, drink. Those are pretty straight forward. But we also have emotional needs that are as every bit as legitimate as the physical ones. So why is it that we often times find it hard to a) admit to those emotional needs and b) ask for those emotional needs to be met?
Emotional needs - to be loved, cared for, listened to, respected, valued, there's a long list. They're every bit as important as having food and shelter and warmth. But there's a word that starts to creep in to a conversation about people's needs that gets used to label those needs as somehow wrong. We say someone is "needy" - or "too needy". Have you ever heard a friend or colleague explain breaking up with someone by saying he or she was "too needy"?
In essence, aren't they really saying "This person has needs I cannot meet." The failing then is with them, but by accusing the other of having needs that are unreasonable and exceptional, the blame is shifted. In reality, there is no such thing as being too needy. Needs are needs - it's how they are received that makes all the difference.
As a consequence though, no one wants to be accused of being too needy - so rather we refrain from admiting we have emotional needs at all.
Which is a real shame. When you understand what your true needs are you start to really understand yourself, your motivations for doing the things you do and the choices you sometimes subconsciously take. When you explain your needs to another person - in a personal relationship for example - you are giving them the opportunity to meet those needs, to show they care.
And it's not just personal relationships where we want our needs to be met. We have needs at work, with friends, with our children and so on.
One of my clients, Jennifer, was having a problem with a work assignment. She explained that she didn't feel she could do the job because she hadn't got the right amount of information. She was worried she would turn in a bad document and that the client would be unhappy.
I asked: What do you need your client to give you so that you can do this job well?
It was a question she hadn't thought to ask herself - so there was a long pause before she reeled off a list of information she was missing. I then asked if it would be okay for her to go back to her client and ask for them to send her all the missing data so she could complete the task. She laughed. Of course it would be okay. Why wouldn't it? The solution was quite simple but one she hadn't even thought of. Her perception was that by asking her client for what she needed - extra information - she would appear incompetent and incapable. In fact the reverse was true. The client respected her for knowing exactly what she needed to get the job done and for asking them to fulfill their side of the bargain to give that information to her.
So, in a nutshell, it's about being brave and asking for what you need. Don't expect the other person - your partner, boss, friend - to guess your needs. Only you know what they are. Ask for what you need. Most likely you'll get it.
Best wishes
Dawn
Need is a funny thing. As humans we have basic physical needs: to eat, sleep, drink. Those are pretty straight forward. But we also have emotional needs that are as every bit as legitimate as the physical ones. So why is it that we often times find it hard to a) admit to those emotional needs and b) ask for those emotional needs to be met?
Emotional needs - to be loved, cared for, listened to, respected, valued, there's a long list. They're every bit as important as having food and shelter and warmth. But there's a word that starts to creep in to a conversation about people's needs that gets used to label those needs as somehow wrong. We say someone is "needy" - or "too needy". Have you ever heard a friend or colleague explain breaking up with someone by saying he or she was "too needy"?
In essence, aren't they really saying "This person has needs I cannot meet." The failing then is with them, but by accusing the other of having needs that are unreasonable and exceptional, the blame is shifted. In reality, there is no such thing as being too needy. Needs are needs - it's how they are received that makes all the difference.
As a consequence though, no one wants to be accused of being too needy - so rather we refrain from admiting we have emotional needs at all.
Which is a real shame. When you understand what your true needs are you start to really understand yourself, your motivations for doing the things you do and the choices you sometimes subconsciously take. When you explain your needs to another person - in a personal relationship for example - you are giving them the opportunity to meet those needs, to show they care.
And it's not just personal relationships where we want our needs to be met. We have needs at work, with friends, with our children and so on.
One of my clients, Jennifer, was having a problem with a work assignment. She explained that she didn't feel she could do the job because she hadn't got the right amount of information. She was worried she would turn in a bad document and that the client would be unhappy.
I asked: What do you need your client to give you so that you can do this job well?
It was a question she hadn't thought to ask herself - so there was a long pause before she reeled off a list of information she was missing. I then asked if it would be okay for her to go back to her client and ask for them to send her all the missing data so she could complete the task. She laughed. Of course it would be okay. Why wouldn't it? The solution was quite simple but one she hadn't even thought of. Her perception was that by asking her client for what she needed - extra information - she would appear incompetent and incapable. In fact the reverse was true. The client respected her for knowing exactly what she needed to get the job done and for asking them to fulfill their side of the bargain to give that information to her.
So, in a nutshell, it's about being brave and asking for what you need. Don't expect the other person - your partner, boss, friend - to guess your needs. Only you know what they are. Ask for what you need. Most likely you'll get it.
Best wishes
Dawn
Saturday 3 April 2010
The best piece of advice I ever heard....
I can't claim it was given to me directly. I read it one weekend morning in my favourite local cafe, Zoran's in St Margarets, while lazing over the Sunday newspapers. It was an interview with computer scientist, Randy Pausch who, after being diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in September 2006, went on to wow a 500-strong audience at Carnegie Mellon Hall with what was called The Last Lecture just a year later. The theme of the talk was Really Achieving Your Childhood Dreams. In it, Randy went on to impart all the wisdom he had accumulated about life, from the unique perspective of staring death in the face every day. On a personal note, the lecture was, he said, advice he wanted to pass on to his three young children, who he knew he would never get to see grow up.
There are many of pearls of wisdom in Randy's talk, some of which I've listed at the bottom of this blog. But the one piece of advice that stood out for me was something he wanted to pass on to his daughter, on the subject of dating men. Randy said: "When it comes to men who are romantically interested in you, it's really simple. Just ignore everything they say and only pay attention to what they do."
That's stuck with me over the past couple of years and has certainly changed the way I perceive the whole dating experience. And if you want to do a quick litmus test of whether that man you're interested in really feels the same way, then it's certainly an eye opener! But, the bottom line is, isn't that advice just as applicable to women as it is to men, in fact to human beings as a whole? Aren't we all sometimes guilty of saying something we don't mean and promising something we may never deliver on? Some of us just do it more frequently than others.
Words are easy, they can fly off the tongue with little effort, all those promises and good intentions. But just because you say it is, doesn't make it so.
Now, I can't control what people in my life say and do. But it's true - it's the things they do or don't do that make an impression, rather than the things they say. I won't stamp my feet and demand someone do what they're say they're going to do. But I will think twice about believing that person again.
In other words, don't give empty promises and then be shocked, hurt and angry when people give up believing you are a man or a woman of your word.
Being a man or a woman of our word... it actually feels good. To say you'll do something and always, always deliver on that. To underpromise and overdeliver, isn't that far better than the other way round?
Randy died in July 2008. In his last year he went on to realise many of his childhood dreams, and also campaigned to raise awareness of pancreatic cancer - a man clearly not just of words, but of action too.
Best wishes
Dawn
Randy Pausch - The Last Lecture:
"The key question to keep asking is, Are you spending your time on the right things? Because time is all you have. "
"Wait long enough and people will surprise and impress. When you're pissed off at someone and you're angry at them, you just haven't given them enough time. Just give them a little more time and they almost always will impress you."
"If I could only give three words of advice, they would be, "Tell the Truth." If I got three more words, I'd add, "All the time."
There are many of pearls of wisdom in Randy's talk, some of which I've listed at the bottom of this blog. But the one piece of advice that stood out for me was something he wanted to pass on to his daughter, on the subject of dating men. Randy said: "When it comes to men who are romantically interested in you, it's really simple. Just ignore everything they say and only pay attention to what they do."
That's stuck with me over the past couple of years and has certainly changed the way I perceive the whole dating experience. And if you want to do a quick litmus test of whether that man you're interested in really feels the same way, then it's certainly an eye opener! But, the bottom line is, isn't that advice just as applicable to women as it is to men, in fact to human beings as a whole? Aren't we all sometimes guilty of saying something we don't mean and promising something we may never deliver on? Some of us just do it more frequently than others.
Words are easy, they can fly off the tongue with little effort, all those promises and good intentions. But just because you say it is, doesn't make it so.
Now, I can't control what people in my life say and do. But it's true - it's the things they do or don't do that make an impression, rather than the things they say. I won't stamp my feet and demand someone do what they're say they're going to do. But I will think twice about believing that person again.
In other words, don't give empty promises and then be shocked, hurt and angry when people give up believing you are a man or a woman of your word.
Being a man or a woman of our word... it actually feels good. To say you'll do something and always, always deliver on that. To underpromise and overdeliver, isn't that far better than the other way round?
Randy died in July 2008. In his last year he went on to realise many of his childhood dreams, and also campaigned to raise awareness of pancreatic cancer - a man clearly not just of words, but of action too.
Best wishes
Dawn
Randy Pausch - The Last Lecture:
"The key question to keep asking is, Are you spending your time on the right things? Because time is all you have. "
"Wait long enough and people will surprise and impress. When you're pissed off at someone and you're angry at them, you just haven't given them enough time. Just give them a little more time and they almost always will impress you."
"If I could only give three words of advice, they would be, "Tell the Truth." If I got three more words, I'd add, "All the time."
Monday 15 March 2010
Heart as a rudder, faith as a compass...
I'm not a sailor. The last time I tried to pretend I was, I almost crashed a friend's boat on the rocks of Alcatraz in San Francisco bay.
Sailor or not though, for the past two months I have been gripped by the day-to-day experiences of professional sailor and artist, 29-year old Lia Ditton, as she competes in what's known as the "toughest rowing race on earth". Otherwise known as the Woodvale Challenge - the race means rowing 2500 Nautical miles (or 2,876 land miles) from La Gomera in the Canary Islands to Antigua in the Caribbean. Lia and her rowing partner, 44 year-old Mick Birchall, a Detective Inspector with the Cambridgeshire Police, have been rowing alternate two-hour periods for 12 hours a day for the past 70 days. They have just 127 miles to row - maybe four or five more days of rowing - and if you go to the Atlantic Rowing Race website you can track their progress and hopefully see Dream Maker cross the finish line very very soon.
This week is most certainly their hardest. They've run out of sunscreen, toilet paper and are about to run out of food. The title of one of Lia's blogs says it all. The nearer you get, the longer it takes!
Lia's daily blog (http://www.oarsomechallenge.co.uk/) has been a fascinating insight into the highs and lows of the race. The challenge as much a psychological one as a physical one and how navigating the sometimes stormy seas of a friendship with her rowing partner, has been almost as tricky as navigating her way to shore.
As a coach, most of what I talk about with clients is setting and achieving goals. Lia's goal, however, puts a lot in perspective. Rowing across the Atlantic must surely be up there as an all-time biggie.
In Lia's own words,"Over the past 2 months, I’ve had 620 hours of thinking time! Who has such a luxury? So what have I learned during all that time at the open university? Good question ... the experience did leave its mark. Most importantly the Vipashna mantra stuck. ‘Patience and Persistence and you are BOUND to be successful."
And that's what achieving something - be it a big or small goal - really does boil down to. Patience and persistence. You put one foot in front of the other in the direction of your goal - - or in Lia's case, one oar -and if you just keep going you eventually get there.
That's it in very simplistic terms. There's a starting point, there's a finish line. It's how you manage the distance in between that counts.
Lia's family and friends must be incredibly proud of her. I'm keeping my fingers crossed they stay strong. Come on Dream Maker!
Dawn
Sailor or not though, for the past two months I have been gripped by the day-to-day experiences of professional sailor and artist, 29-year old Lia Ditton, as she competes in what's known as the "toughest rowing race on earth". Otherwise known as the Woodvale Challenge - the race means rowing 2500 Nautical miles (or 2,876 land miles) from La Gomera in the Canary Islands to Antigua in the Caribbean. Lia and her rowing partner, 44 year-old Mick Birchall, a Detective Inspector with the Cambridgeshire Police, have been rowing alternate two-hour periods for 12 hours a day for the past 70 days. They have just 127 miles to row - maybe four or five more days of rowing - and if you go to the Atlantic Rowing Race website you can track their progress and hopefully see Dream Maker cross the finish line very very soon.
This week is most certainly their hardest. They've run out of sunscreen, toilet paper and are about to run out of food. The title of one of Lia's blogs says it all. The nearer you get, the longer it takes!
Lia's daily blog (http://www.oarsomechallenge.co.uk/) has been a fascinating insight into the highs and lows of the race. The challenge as much a psychological one as a physical one and how navigating the sometimes stormy seas of a friendship with her rowing partner, has been almost as tricky as navigating her way to shore.
As a coach, most of what I talk about with clients is setting and achieving goals. Lia's goal, however, puts a lot in perspective. Rowing across the Atlantic must surely be up there as an all-time biggie.
In Lia's own words,"Over the past 2 months, I’ve had 620 hours of thinking time! Who has such a luxury? So what have I learned during all that time at the open university? Good question ... the experience did leave its mark. Most importantly the Vipashna mantra stuck. ‘Patience and Persistence and you are BOUND to be successful."
And that's what achieving something - be it a big or small goal - really does boil down to. Patience and persistence. You put one foot in front of the other in the direction of your goal - - or in Lia's case, one oar -and if you just keep going you eventually get there.
That's it in very simplistic terms. There's a starting point, there's a finish line. It's how you manage the distance in between that counts.
Lia's family and friends must be incredibly proud of her. I'm keeping my fingers crossed they stay strong. Come on Dream Maker!
Dawn
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