Need vs Needy

How often do you think about what you really need? Not want - that's a different thing altogether. But need. What do you really need to be happy? To be living a life that feels just comfortable, relatively easy, just right? And.... how much of that stuff do you need?

Need is a funny thing. As humans we have basic physical needs: to eat, sleep, drink. Those are pretty straight forward. But we also have emotional needs that are as every bit as legitimate as the physical ones. So why is it that we often times find it hard to a) admit to those emotional needs and b) ask for those emotional needs to be met?

Emotional needs - to be loved, cared for, listened to, respected, valued, there's a long list. They're every bit as important as having food and shelter and warmth. But there's a word that starts to creep in to a conversation about people's needs that gets used to label those needs as somehow wrong. We say someone is "needy" - or "too needy". Have you ever heard a friend or colleague explain breaking up with someone by saying he or she was "too needy"?

In essence, aren't they really saying "This person has needs I cannot meet." The failing then is with them, but by accusing the other of having needs that are unreasonable and exceptional, the blame is shifted. In reality, there is no such thing as being too needy. Needs are needs - it's how they are received that makes all the difference.

As a consequence though, no one wants to be accused of being too needy - so rather we refrain from admiting we have emotional needs at all.

Which is a real shame. When you understand what your true needs are you start to really understand yourself, your motivations for doing the things you do and the choices you sometimes subconsciously take. When you explain your needs to another person -  in a personal relationship for example - you are giving them the opportunity to meet those needs, to show they care.

And it's not just personal relationships where we want our needs to be met. We have needs at work, with friends, with our children and so on.

One of my clients, Jennifer, was having a problem with a work assignment. She explained that she didn't feel she could do the job because she hadn't got the right amount of information. She was worried she would turn in a bad document and that the client would be unhappy.

I asked: What do you need your client to give you so that you can do this job well?
It was a question she hadn't thought to ask herself - so there was a long pause before she reeled off a list of information she was missing. I then asked if it would be okay for her to go back to her client and ask for them to send her all the missing data so she could complete the task. She laughed. Of course it would be okay. Why wouldn't it? The solution was quite simple but one she hadn't even thought of. Her perception was that by asking her client for what she needed - extra information - she would appear incompetent and incapable. In fact the reverse was true. The client respected her for knowing exactly what she needed to get the job done and for asking them to fulfill their side of the bargain to give that information to her.

So, in a nutshell, it's about being brave and asking for what you need. Don't expect the other person - your partner, boss, friend - to guess your needs. Only you know what they are. Ask for what you need. Most likely you'll get it.

Best wishes

Dawn