Five lessons I learnt in the swimming pool

Back in February of this year I decided to start swimming. I've never been a great swimmer, actually not  even very comfortable in water. On the first attempt I managed two lengths (of a very small pool). My heart felt like it was going to burst through my chest, my legs and arms felt wobbly, the blood in my ears pounded. Slightly disappointing, in other words.

I don't know why I continued over the next few days and weeks. I do remember using the promise of the sauna and steam room as a reward for sticking it out for another five minutes. Just five minutes more. Two lengths became five, five became 10. I remember the day I told family and friends I'd be breaking through the 20-length barrier that day. I did 30.

Okay, I'm sounding like I'm showing off but really I'm just trying to say I'm a rubbish swimmer, so if I can do it anyone can. So, now I swim 50 lengths three or four times a week. And I love it. The calmness of the water, feeling how much stronger my arms and legs are these days, the hypnotic, meditative rhythm of hearing my breathing in my ears as I dip underwater and surface to exhale. I am converted.

By thirty lengths I get into my stride, my mind tunes out and swimming becomes hypnotic. It's in the last 20 laps I like to think I do my best thinking. This morning I started to see how lessons from the swimming pool can be used in real everyday life.

1. Don't limit yourself to rules of your own making
My pool has three blue lines painted on the bottom. They demarcate the lanes. This morning I started off with the pool to myself. No reason to stick to any particular lane then I thought. So, very indulgently, I swam down the middle of the pool, spreading out, feeling very good about myself. Five minutes later I was joined by an elderly woman. We nodded to each other and she got in... right next to me, following the blue line painted on the bottom, even though she also had plenty of pool to spread out in. This forced me up against the side wall.  I started to get a bit annoyed. I tried to think of coach-like ways to say "Can you move over?". "Look at all this space, isn't it nice to be able to spread out..?" In the end I decided to just tune the external distraction out and concentrate on my own swimming. But I wondered - why do some people stick to the lines, even when they've got a whole pool to spread out in?

2. Choose the right goal
At one point, buoyed on  by my progress, I boasted my ultimate goal would be to swim 100 lengths. When I started regularly swimming 50 lengths I noticed it took me about 25 minutes. I feel great, I've lost weight, toned up and feel healthy. It's 30 minutes of exercise, three times a week. Just what the doctor ordered. I suddenly questioned whether there was any real reason to aim for 100 lengths? Would I feel any better than I do now, or was it just an ego trip? Worse, that would be an hour in the pool which could lead to boredom and fatigue. The 100-length goal suddenly didn't seem so valid after all. So, regularly re-evaluate your goals - if they're still relevant fine, if not, dump them.

3. The more people in the pool, the choppier it gets
It's all very well swimming in an empty pool. The water's calm and peaceful, it's easy to hit your stride. As more people get in though, the water gets choppier, it gets harder to move yourself forward and not be rocked side to side by the "waves", water gets in your eyes and mouth... it's not pleasant. The same could be said to be true of the office, your business dealings, your home life.. the more people involved, the choppier it gets. In the water, you wear goggles, you hold your breath. More important you shut your mouth so as not to swallow the swimming pool.

... wear goggles, hold your breath, shut your mouth. Develop a way to protect yourself when things get rough.

4. Tune in, not out - become aware of yourself
As I mentioned above, after about 30 lengths I get into the zone. My breathing becomes really deep and regular, my arms and legs move smoothly, it becomes almost effortless. I stop thinking about swimming and start feeling the swimming, how good the water feels, how strong my arms and legs are. With the sound of my breathing as a background to my thoughts, I get into a very nice place to think about work, family, stuff that's come up, without any other distractions.  When life gets noisy and there are too many distractions, it's sometimes good to block out the bigger picture and focus on the smaller things for a brief period of time.

And lastly,

5. There is a deep end. This is you out of your comfort zone. Tread water

Best wishes,

Dawn

Need vs Needy

How often do you think about what you really need? Not want - that's a different thing altogether. But need. What do you really need to be happy? To be living a life that feels just comfortable, relatively easy, just right? And.... how much of that stuff do you need?

Need is a funny thing. As humans we have basic physical needs: to eat, sleep, drink. Those are pretty straight forward. But we also have emotional needs that are as every bit as legitimate as the physical ones. So why is it that we often times find it hard to a) admit to those emotional needs and b) ask for those emotional needs to be met?

Emotional needs - to be loved, cared for, listened to, respected, valued, there's a long list. They're every bit as important as having food and shelter and warmth. But there's a word that starts to creep in to a conversation about people's needs that gets used to label those needs as somehow wrong. We say someone is "needy" - or "too needy". Have you ever heard a friend or colleague explain breaking up with someone by saying he or she was "too needy"?

In essence, aren't they really saying "This person has needs I cannot meet." The failing then is with them, but by accusing the other of having needs that are unreasonable and exceptional, the blame is shifted. In reality, there is no such thing as being too needy. Needs are needs - it's how they are received that makes all the difference.

As a consequence though, no one wants to be accused of being too needy - so rather we refrain from admiting we have emotional needs at all.

Which is a real shame. When you understand what your true needs are you start to really understand yourself, your motivations for doing the things you do and the choices you sometimes subconsciously take. When you explain your needs to another person -  in a personal relationship for example - you are giving them the opportunity to meet those needs, to show they care.

And it's not just personal relationships where we want our needs to be met. We have needs at work, with friends, with our children and so on.

One of my clients, Jennifer, was having a problem with a work assignment. She explained that she didn't feel she could do the job because she hadn't got the right amount of information. She was worried she would turn in a bad document and that the client would be unhappy.

I asked: What do you need your client to give you so that you can do this job well?
It was a question she hadn't thought to ask herself - so there was a long pause before she reeled off a list of information she was missing. I then asked if it would be okay for her to go back to her client and ask for them to send her all the missing data so she could complete the task. She laughed. Of course it would be okay. Why wouldn't it? The solution was quite simple but one she hadn't even thought of. Her perception was that by asking her client for what she needed - extra information - she would appear incompetent and incapable. In fact the reverse was true. The client respected her for knowing exactly what she needed to get the job done and for asking them to fulfill their side of the bargain to give that information to her.

So, in a nutshell, it's about being brave and asking for what you need. Don't expect the other person - your partner, boss, friend - to guess your needs. Only you know what they are. Ask for what you need. Most likely you'll get it.

Best wishes

Dawn