We're most scared of what we can't see...

A few days ago I had the real pleasure of talking to the wonderful "Heart Doctor" Cathy Matarazzo and her co-host, intrinsic coach, Warren Wojnowski on their brand new radio show Let's Get Real Radio.

We talked about big versus small change, leaps of faith compared to baby steps and everything in between. We also talked about that old biggie - Fear - and how it can keep us stuck.

Cathy asked me if I still had fears of my own to confront. Well, no sooner had the show finished then I found myself facing a real-life fear up close and personal. Alone in the house at 8pm there was a power cut. The house was plunged into darkness (it gets real dark in the country).

Heart pounding, my immediate thought - silly as this now seems - was that someone was trying to break into the house and had cut the electricity. My response? I froze. Standing on the landing in complete darkness I knew I had to go downstairs and find the flashlight but what kept me stuck was not being able to see. I imagined all kinds of worst case scenarios - mostly involving men in balaclavas jumping out at me. How long did it take to convince myself to move? Maybe about five minutes, but they were five very long, gut-wrenching minutes.

In the comfort of bright daylight here in the relative safety of my office I realise that what that little experience teaches me is that fear is at its strongest when we can't see. When we can't see where to put our feet, where the handholds are, what obstacles we might bump into, whether there's a sheer drop we're just inches from stepping into - we freeze. We stay there in the darkness, feeling better off if only because we're not moving forward.

In real life, not knowing what's on the other side of a major life change or decision is enough to root us to the spot.

Talking to Cathy I was minded to recall the quote that got me moving when I felt the most stuck in my life. It's by Anaïs Nin.

And the time came when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom

I quote this often for a reason. There comes a point where staying where we are - unhappy, unfulfilled, unappreciated - is more frightening than taking those first steps to a new life, to change, to taking control of our own happiness.

You can hear the whole interview with Cathy here

(Check out Cathy's fantastic laugh. If that isn't enough to put a smile on your face I don't know what is!)

Oh, and by the way, there weren't any men in balaclavas. It wasn't a break in. It was just a power cut. And I did make it down from the landing - eventually.

Best wishes,

Dawn

Fear Busting

“We have nothing to fear but fear itself”. It’s a quote we’ve probably heard so often we might have become  jaded about its real meaning. The words were spoken famously by Winston Churchill, but also by the American President, Franklin Delano Roosevelt, during his first inaugural address in 1933. At the time America, and the world, were going through The Great Depression. Much like today, people were losing their homes, their jobs. Hope and optimism were at an all-time low. The full sentence was:

So, first of all, let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself - nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance.

In short, what FDR was saying was, while things might well be really bad  right now, if we give in to fear, become paralysed by pessimism and doubt and do nothing to get ourselves back on our feet, then things can and will get a whole lot worse. No matter how frightened you are, take action. Sometimes doing one small thing that moves you in the direction of your goal can kick-start an upward spiral away from feeling that fear and doubt.


Five tips to get yourself unspooked

It's part of the journey
Fear is part and parcel of the journey, the same way service stations are part of the motorway. Expect it. In fact expect fear to raise its ugly head every 10 miles or so. Stop a while if you have to, but ultimately get back in the car and keep on going. Your destination is not a service station.

Call it what it is
Get into the habit of recognising when you feel fear. We've got so good at deceiving ourselves we often deny we're feeling anxious or nervous about a task or project, meeting or appointment. But if you find yourself putting something off time and again or if you're procrastinating more than usual, take a long hard look at what's going on. Label it "fear" and question what the fear is about. Ask yourself: Why am I so afraid of doing this? The answers can be enlightening.

It's like Halloween
The thought occured to me as I watched my kids try on their Halloween costumes, that a lot of what we fear is very much like a Halloween costume - strip away the fake blood, the skeleton outfit and grotty fake teeth and it's just a harmless three-year old with a very sweet tooth underneath. How much of what we fear is as terrifying as it at first appears? Fear can trick you into thinking the very worst thing that can happen ...will happen.

Which is why I get my clients to imagine their...

Worst-Case Scenario
What's the very worst thing you can imagine happening as you try to achieve your goal? Now think through how you would handle it? You'd handle it, right?

How have you handled problems in the past? However you handled them, recognise that you got over, through, past and beyond them.

Trust you have what it takes to get yourself out of the worst predicament. The world will not end, the sky won't fall down.

Here and Now
Fear is paralysing. The fear of putting a step wrong can be enough to stop us in our tracks. But fear is usually all about what might happen in the future, not about what might happen right now. If you find yourself getting overwhelmed by pessimism and terrifying thoughts of what might happen, bring yourself back to the moment. What can you do today to move you in the direction of your goal? Forget tomorrow, next week, three months from now. Focus on the present. It might be a small thing, it might be a small part of a bigger task. But breaking your big chunk of worry down into smaller bite-size pieces helps reduce that scary feeling.

Even the smallest dot of optimism when coupled with action can be enough to keep fear in its place and stop it stopping you in your tracks.


Best wishes,

Dawn