When we set ourselves goals, they often tend to be the big ones - you know, run a marathon, write a novel, set up a business. Big goals, big plans, intensive strategies. We set off, all engines blazing, full of enthusiasm, a to-do list as long as our arm typed and copied to the laptop, mobile phone, PDA (and possibly taped to the fridge) and we've made sure we've told our closest friends as well so they know we're serious, we mean business.
And then somewhere along the line, the enthusiasm cools. Usually after the first month or so it all starts to feel like hard work. You hit a stumbling block, and another, and then another and your goals and dreams starts to look a bit too... ambitious. Or even just plain stupid?
There are two things I usually do with clients who've hit that wall, when they're just so overwhelmed by how much they perceive they have to do that they become paralysed and stuck.
The first is to to tap into the feelings they had when they first imagined their goal/dream/game plan. When I say "tap into" I mean to experience the feeling fully - emotionally, mentally and physically. When we feel excited, we don't just experience it in our brains - we feel it in our bodies. Our heart beats a little faster, our blood pumps around our body quicker, we feel pumped up as the adrenaline reaches the parts of ourselves other hormones just don't reach.
Sometimes just taking a minute to recreate the feelings of excitement about a new goal can be enough to kickstart you into action, to overcome the paralysis and get moving again.
The other technique I use is something I call "Just for today"... It's about breaking your big goals down into something very small and manageable. Just as horses are blinkered as they're led to the starting line so they're not frightened by the other horses and the course in front of them, this is a method of narrowing your vision to the next 24 hours.
So, make a list. Just for today I am going to take my vitamins. Just for today I am going to eat 5 pieces of fruit and vegetables. Just for today I am going to spend two hours on my presentation. Just for today I am going to set aside an hour to do my accounts.
Forget about tomorrow and the next day and the week and month ahead. Action takes part in the present. Conversely, the mistakes of tomorrow generally have root in something we did or didn't do today. Generally, small goals we set ourselves to accomplish in the day are achievable, they're realistic and specific - and the chances of achieving them are high.
When we achieve these small goals there's a positive feedback loop - we feel good about ourselves and that "feel good factor" triggers momentum, we feel a bit more enthusiastic and energetic about getting on with our stuff.
Repeat the "just for today" exercise every day until the feeling of being overwhelmed gets squashed and you start to feel more comfortable looking at longer-range goals. It's another trick you can pull out of your bag when you start to feel you're losing sight of what's important to you.
Best wishes,
Dawn
Friday, 28 September 2012
Monday, 28 February 2011
The Last Chocolate on Earth
There you have it. Sitting there on the table in front of you. The last chocolate on earth. A rare disease has wiped out the cocoa plant, there's been panic buying of chocolate the world over, shelves are empty. And you, you own the very last chocolate on earth. And you're just about to eat it.
Now given it is the last chocolate on earth, the question is not if you're going to eat it, it's how are you going to eat it? Are you going to whoof it down, texting with one hand, flicking through a magazine with the other, barely registering that it's passed your lips, is now in your mouth, now swallowed. Gone forever. Or are you going to savour every moment, the taste, the texture, the smell, the emotions it induces, the sugar rush, the endorphin high? Will you allow your senses to revel and luxuriate in this amazing thing that is chocolate or are you going to let the opportunity pass you by, your mind too distracted to fully appreciate that after your last swallow, chocolate is history.
Why I'm hypothesising about the extinction of chocolate will be made clear in just a moment. Because how we eat has a lot to do with our weight, much more than we realise. It's arguably as important as what we eat.
If you're trying to lose weight, you'll no doubt be very conscious of cutting out so-called "bad foods". That means avoiding sugary snacks and fatty foods and sticking to a low-fat, low-sugar diet. But the reason so many diets fail is because we create that list of forbidden food in the first place. We're human. And that means, generally speaking, if something is forbidden we want it even more.
But just look at the dietary make-up of an average block of milk chocolate. One square has 27 calories and 1.5 grams of fat. One row has 132 calories and 7.5 grams of fat. Neither of those are going to do too much damage to your diet. However, if you're going to eat the whole block - that's 1,320 calories and 75 grams of fat. Now that's diet-busting stuff.
So, if the key to a successful weight-loss programme means eating healthily, cutting down on fat and sugar and allowing ourselves little treats here and there, how do we draw the line under what starts out as a little treat and ends up as a major chocolate blow-out? Well, let's go back to how we eat.
If you eat without really tasting or appreciating your food, you are robbing your senses of real and necessary pleasure. Your stomach may be full but your senses are starving. So you'll keep on eating. You won't stop at just that one square of chocolate, you'll keep going until it's all gone. And even then you won't feel satisfied. You'll keep eating to fill a black hole without ever realising the black hole exists.
It's not just about eating and losing weight, either. Being fully conscious, with no distractions, whatever you're doing, gives your senses a chance to be fully satisfied, to feel fully alive.
So - some tips to help you fully appreciate your food if you're currently trying to lose weight and struggling:
1. Sit down to eat.
2. Don't have any other distractions - don't watch TV, read a newspaper, talk on the phone, work at your computer.
3. Eat slowly. If you eat a sandwich in 3 minutes flat you won't give your brain a chance to register whether you're full or not. Give your body and your brain time to catch up with your mouth!
4. Fully taste and experience the texture and sensation of every bite of your food.
5. If you're going to eat chocolate, enjoy it!
Best wishes,
Dawn
Now given it is the last chocolate on earth, the question is not if you're going to eat it, it's how are you going to eat it? Are you going to whoof it down, texting with one hand, flicking through a magazine with the other, barely registering that it's passed your lips, is now in your mouth, now swallowed. Gone forever. Or are you going to savour every moment, the taste, the texture, the smell, the emotions it induces, the sugar rush, the endorphin high? Will you allow your senses to revel and luxuriate in this amazing thing that is chocolate or are you going to let the opportunity pass you by, your mind too distracted to fully appreciate that after your last swallow, chocolate is history.
Why I'm hypothesising about the extinction of chocolate will be made clear in just a moment. Because how we eat has a lot to do with our weight, much more than we realise. It's arguably as important as what we eat.
If you're trying to lose weight, you'll no doubt be very conscious of cutting out so-called "bad foods". That means avoiding sugary snacks and fatty foods and sticking to a low-fat, low-sugar diet. But the reason so many diets fail is because we create that list of forbidden food in the first place. We're human. And that means, generally speaking, if something is forbidden we want it even more.
But just look at the dietary make-up of an average block of milk chocolate. One square has 27 calories and 1.5 grams of fat. One row has 132 calories and 7.5 grams of fat. Neither of those are going to do too much damage to your diet. However, if you're going to eat the whole block - that's 1,320 calories and 75 grams of fat. Now that's diet-busting stuff.
So, if the key to a successful weight-loss programme means eating healthily, cutting down on fat and sugar and allowing ourselves little treats here and there, how do we draw the line under what starts out as a little treat and ends up as a major chocolate blow-out? Well, let's go back to how we eat.
If you eat without really tasting or appreciating your food, you are robbing your senses of real and necessary pleasure. Your stomach may be full but your senses are starving. So you'll keep on eating. You won't stop at just that one square of chocolate, you'll keep going until it's all gone. And even then you won't feel satisfied. You'll keep eating to fill a black hole without ever realising the black hole exists.
It's not just about eating and losing weight, either. Being fully conscious, with no distractions, whatever you're doing, gives your senses a chance to be fully satisfied, to feel fully alive.
So - some tips to help you fully appreciate your food if you're currently trying to lose weight and struggling:
1. Sit down to eat.
2. Don't have any other distractions - don't watch TV, read a newspaper, talk on the phone, work at your computer.
3. Eat slowly. If you eat a sandwich in 3 minutes flat you won't give your brain a chance to register whether you're full or not. Give your body and your brain time to catch up with your mouth!
4. Fully taste and experience the texture and sensation of every bite of your food.
5. If you're going to eat chocolate, enjoy it!
Best wishes,
Dawn
Tuesday, 28 December 2010
Sticking to those New Year's Resolutions
It's that time of year again - the prospect of a New Year, a blank sheet to be better, do better - gets us making our list of resolutions. But how many times have we set off purposefully and diligently, determined to stick to that list this time.. only to see all resolve disappear come March (or earlier). How many of us are actually too scared to make a New Year's resolution in case we fail? Or is that just me?
Well, this year, I invite you to forget making New Year’s Resolutions once a year. Try making them every day.
The road to achieving your New Year’s Resolutions is marked out in days. So, you want to lose 10 pounds in two months? That’s roughly 60 days of eating fewer calories than you burn. Want to get out of debt in six months? That’s 180 days of spending less than you earn and putting that money towards paying off your debts. Need to generate more clients and income in the next month? That's 30 days of generating leads, working on your marketing and building your network.
But forget for a moment how many days you have to reach your goal. In reality, all you need to focus on is one day. Today.
Tomorrow’s successes or failures all depend on what you do today. When tomorrow comes it will simply be another “today”. So, it’s what you do today that counts. And, for that matter, it’s also what you don’t do.
Let's take an example. One of the most common New Year’s Resolutions is to lose weight. The only way to lose weight healthily is to eat fewer calories than you burn off. Or burn more calories than you eat. So if this is your goal, the only way you’re going to achieve it is by eating less, moving more or a mixture of the two.
Many of our goals are long-term. The results we want to achieve are a month or more down the line. Keeping momentum and motivation high can be a real challenge. So, using the example above, think about shifting the way you look at what you want to achieve. Rather than your goal being to lose ten pounds in two months, shift your thinking to the present: Today I want to healthily eat fewer calories than I burn. Today I want to spend 15 minutes doing some exercise.
It's easier to narrow your thinking to the next 24 hours than it is to consider the next three or more months. Being narrow-minded can sometimes be a good thing! When tomorrow comes, start all over again - make your goals anew. String all those todays together, and eventually you reach your goal as a natural and logical consequence of sticking to your daily targets.
So you’ve made your New Year’s Resolutions. Now what? Here’s your 4-step daily action plan to keeping them going:
1. Refresh. Every morning remind yourself of your goal. Make your New Year’s Resolutions all over again, every morning when you wake up. This keeps your momentum and motivation high.
2. Focus. Focus on achieving that goal today. Think only of today. Don’t beat yourself up about the mistakes you made yesterday and don’t overwhelm yourself with the long list of things you have to do tomorrow, next week, next month.
3. Move towards your goal. Make every action today one that moves you towards that goal. If your goal is to lose weight, eating chocolate cake moves you away from your goal. If your goal is to save money, blowing cash on a PS3 or new dress moves you away from that goal. Make a point of asking the question: does this move me towards or away from my goal? Always be moving towards your goal.
4. Reward yourself. Make a list of small rewards: a new book, a lipstick, 30 minutes of “me” time, a bubble bath. Allow yourself a small reward at the end of every day, even if you didn’t meet your daily target. As long as you’re still trying you’re still on the road to achieving your goal and that's worth feeling good about.
In the words of Winston Churchill: Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts. In other words, you only ever fail when you give up.
Think of your New Year’s Resolutions as a plant that needs a little watering and TLC every day. If you take care of today, tomorrow takes care of itself.
Best wishes,
Dawn
Well, this year, I invite you to forget making New Year’s Resolutions once a year. Try making them every day.
The road to achieving your New Year’s Resolutions is marked out in days. So, you want to lose 10 pounds in two months? That’s roughly 60 days of eating fewer calories than you burn. Want to get out of debt in six months? That’s 180 days of spending less than you earn and putting that money towards paying off your debts. Need to generate more clients and income in the next month? That's 30 days of generating leads, working on your marketing and building your network.
But forget for a moment how many days you have to reach your goal. In reality, all you need to focus on is one day. Today.
Tomorrow’s successes or failures all depend on what you do today. When tomorrow comes it will simply be another “today”. So, it’s what you do today that counts. And, for that matter, it’s also what you don’t do.
Let's take an example. One of the most common New Year’s Resolutions is to lose weight. The only way to lose weight healthily is to eat fewer calories than you burn off. Or burn more calories than you eat. So if this is your goal, the only way you’re going to achieve it is by eating less, moving more or a mixture of the two.
Many of our goals are long-term. The results we want to achieve are a month or more down the line. Keeping momentum and motivation high can be a real challenge. So, using the example above, think about shifting the way you look at what you want to achieve. Rather than your goal being to lose ten pounds in two months, shift your thinking to the present: Today I want to healthily eat fewer calories than I burn. Today I want to spend 15 minutes doing some exercise.
It's easier to narrow your thinking to the next 24 hours than it is to consider the next three or more months. Being narrow-minded can sometimes be a good thing! When tomorrow comes, start all over again - make your goals anew. String all those todays together, and eventually you reach your goal as a natural and logical consequence of sticking to your daily targets.
So you’ve made your New Year’s Resolutions. Now what? Here’s your 4-step daily action plan to keeping them going:
1. Refresh. Every morning remind yourself of your goal. Make your New Year’s Resolutions all over again, every morning when you wake up. This keeps your momentum and motivation high.
2. Focus. Focus on achieving that goal today. Think only of today. Don’t beat yourself up about the mistakes you made yesterday and don’t overwhelm yourself with the long list of things you have to do tomorrow, next week, next month.
3. Move towards your goal. Make every action today one that moves you towards that goal. If your goal is to lose weight, eating chocolate cake moves you away from your goal. If your goal is to save money, blowing cash on a PS3 or new dress moves you away from that goal. Make a point of asking the question: does this move me towards or away from my goal? Always be moving towards your goal.
4. Reward yourself. Make a list of small rewards: a new book, a lipstick, 30 minutes of “me” time, a bubble bath. Allow yourself a small reward at the end of every day, even if you didn’t meet your daily target. As long as you’re still trying you’re still on the road to achieving your goal and that's worth feeling good about.
In the words of Winston Churchill: Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts. In other words, you only ever fail when you give up.
Think of your New Year’s Resolutions as a plant that needs a little watering and TLC every day. If you take care of today, tomorrow takes care of itself.
Best wishes,
Dawn
Tuesday, 2 November 2010
We're most scared of what we can't see...
A few days ago I had the real pleasure of talking to the wonderful "Heart Doctor" Cathy Matarazzo and her co-host, intrinsic coach, Warren Wojnowski on their brand new radio show Let's Get Real Radio.
We talked about big versus small change, leaps of faith compared to baby steps and everything in between. We also talked about that old biggie - Fear - and how it can keep us stuck.
Cathy asked me if I still had fears of my own to confront. Well, no sooner had the show finished then I found myself facing a real-life fear up close and personal. Alone in the house at 8pm there was a power cut. The house was plunged into darkness (it gets real dark in the country).
Heart pounding, my immediate thought - silly as this now seems - was that someone was trying to break into the house and had cut the electricity. My response? I froze. Standing on the landing in complete darkness I knew I had to go downstairs and find the flashlight but what kept me stuck was not being able to see. I imagined all kinds of worst case scenarios - mostly involving men in balaclavas jumping out at me. How long did it take to convince myself to move? Maybe about five minutes, but they were five very long, gut-wrenching minutes.
In the comfort of bright daylight here in the relative safety of my office I realise that what that little experience teaches me is that fear is at its strongest when we can't see. When we can't see where to put our feet, where the handholds are, what obstacles we might bump into, whether there's a sheer drop we're just inches from stepping into - we freeze. We stay there in the darkness, feeling better off if only because we're not moving forward.
In real life, not knowing what's on the other side of a major life change or decision is enough to root us to the spot.
Talking to Cathy I was minded to recall the quote that got me moving when I felt the most stuck in my life. It's by Anaïs Nin.
I quote this often for a reason. There comes a point where staying where we are - unhappy, unfulfilled, unappreciated - is more frightening than taking those first steps to a new life, to change, to taking control of our own happiness.
You can hear the whole interview with Cathy here
(Check out Cathy's fantastic laugh. If that isn't enough to put a smile on your face I don't know what is!)
Oh, and by the way, there weren't any men in balaclavas. It wasn't a break in. It was just a power cut. And I did make it down from the landing - eventually.
Best wishes,
Dawn
We talked about big versus small change, leaps of faith compared to baby steps and everything in between. We also talked about that old biggie - Fear - and how it can keep us stuck.
Cathy asked me if I still had fears of my own to confront. Well, no sooner had the show finished then I found myself facing a real-life fear up close and personal. Alone in the house at 8pm there was a power cut. The house was plunged into darkness (it gets real dark in the country).
Heart pounding, my immediate thought - silly as this now seems - was that someone was trying to break into the house and had cut the electricity. My response? I froze. Standing on the landing in complete darkness I knew I had to go downstairs and find the flashlight but what kept me stuck was not being able to see. I imagined all kinds of worst case scenarios - mostly involving men in balaclavas jumping out at me. How long did it take to convince myself to move? Maybe about five minutes, but they were five very long, gut-wrenching minutes.
In the comfort of bright daylight here in the relative safety of my office I realise that what that little experience teaches me is that fear is at its strongest when we can't see. When we can't see where to put our feet, where the handholds are, what obstacles we might bump into, whether there's a sheer drop we're just inches from stepping into - we freeze. We stay there in the darkness, feeling better off if only because we're not moving forward.
In real life, not knowing what's on the other side of a major life change or decision is enough to root us to the spot.
Talking to Cathy I was minded to recall the quote that got me moving when I felt the most stuck in my life. It's by Anaïs Nin.
And the time came when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom
I quote this often for a reason. There comes a point where staying where we are - unhappy, unfulfilled, unappreciated - is more frightening than taking those first steps to a new life, to change, to taking control of our own happiness.
You can hear the whole interview with Cathy here
(Check out Cathy's fantastic laugh. If that isn't enough to put a smile on your face I don't know what is!)
Oh, and by the way, there weren't any men in balaclavas. It wasn't a break in. It was just a power cut. And I did make it down from the landing - eventually.
Best wishes,
Dawn
Wednesday, 27 October 2010
Small Change. It Adds up to a Lot
When I think about it, I must be something of a change junkie. Looking back over the past 20 years, I've moved country (and continent) five times, moved house more than a dozen times and changed career three.
Each of those moves was a significant life change, involving a big blind leap of faith on my part, grabbing an opportunity and believing all the pieces (small things like oh, where to live and which hospital I might have my baby in) would fall into place. Which they did. Luckily, some might add.
July 4th, 1992, for example, saw me sleeping on a friend's couch having lost a relationship, job and home all in the space of a weekend. It also saw me swimming under the stars at my friend's condominium and feeling freer than I ever had in my life. In the words of Charles Dickens, it was the best and the worst of times. It was also one of the biggest opportunities I have been given - a chance to start from scratch.
The road I thought I was going along quite happily, quite simply disappeared under my feet. It was time to find, or create, a new one. Anything was possible and it was all up to me and what my next decision would be. What I did next took me from San Francisco to Hong Kong and a new career in publishing and media. Out of some of those darkest moments came a dazzling new opportunity. Time to shed off the old and embrace a whole new "New".
Now, I'm not advocating big life-changing decisions right here and now for everyone. But what I love about those big changes is how everything gets thrown up in the air and the cards are allowed to land where they may. They throw up new connections, friendships, hobbies, new sights, sounds, smells. Change that dramatically alters the environment we live and sense in, teaches us ultimately, that what we own and what we have around us pales into insignificance in comparison to who and what we are. And what we're made of.
Big change makes you feel alive. It can also, by the way, almost kill you with stress.
Change junkie that I am, even I recognise that for most of us, the best, most satisfying, longest-lasting (and least traumatic) kind of change is that which occurs a little bit at a time. One eentsy weentsy baby step and then another, then another.
Change doesn't have to play out like a big Hollywood epic. Small changes are those which, on the surface, don't appear to be much, and perhaps no one else notices, but can lead to some of the most transformational shifts in our own behaviour.
Small shifts - deciding to be on time this time, taking one sugar not two in your coffee, choosing to smile more - they're not hard to achieve. They just take a level of deciding and committing.
Imagine we're trains (go with me). You may have noticed this - but trains don't do right angles. They simply can't. Their mass and speed and length makes the whole notion absurd. If a train needs to change direction it does so one millimeter at a time. Very gradually the tracks curve left or right, no sharp movements, no massive change in direction. But before you know it, you've arrived at Brighton rather than Waterloo.
That's not to say 90 or 180 degree changes are wrong. Just not always necessary. Why make a dramatic change when a small one will do?
Sometimes, when we're fed up with our lives, we're tempted to make those big sweeping changes just for the sake of change. But sometimes it only takes a small thing to make all the difference. You may not need to find a new job, but rather change small elements of the one you have. You may think you need to lose 10 pounds, when in reality losing just two makes you feel and look better.
For more, read 10 Ways to Change Your Life in an Instant
In the meantime, I'll be talking about those small changes and how they can dramatically improve your life tonight on Let's Get Real Radio with Cathy Matarazzo, (7pm to 8pm UK time). Listen in here: http://www.letsgetrealradio.ca/
Best wishes
Dawn
Each of those moves was a significant life change, involving a big blind leap of faith on my part, grabbing an opportunity and believing all the pieces (small things like oh, where to live and which hospital I might have my baby in) would fall into place. Which they did. Luckily, some might add.
July 4th, 1992, for example, saw me sleeping on a friend's couch having lost a relationship, job and home all in the space of a weekend. It also saw me swimming under the stars at my friend's condominium and feeling freer than I ever had in my life. In the words of Charles Dickens, it was the best and the worst of times. It was also one of the biggest opportunities I have been given - a chance to start from scratch.
The road I thought I was going along quite happily, quite simply disappeared under my feet. It was time to find, or create, a new one. Anything was possible and it was all up to me and what my next decision would be. What I did next took me from San Francisco to Hong Kong and a new career in publishing and media. Out of some of those darkest moments came a dazzling new opportunity. Time to shed off the old and embrace a whole new "New".
Now, I'm not advocating big life-changing decisions right here and now for everyone. But what I love about those big changes is how everything gets thrown up in the air and the cards are allowed to land where they may. They throw up new connections, friendships, hobbies, new sights, sounds, smells. Change that dramatically alters the environment we live and sense in, teaches us ultimately, that what we own and what we have around us pales into insignificance in comparison to who and what we are. And what we're made of.
Big change makes you feel alive. It can also, by the way, almost kill you with stress.
Change junkie that I am, even I recognise that for most of us, the best, most satisfying, longest-lasting (and least traumatic) kind of change is that which occurs a little bit at a time. One eentsy weentsy baby step and then another, then another.
Change doesn't have to play out like a big Hollywood epic. Small changes are those which, on the surface, don't appear to be much, and perhaps no one else notices, but can lead to some of the most transformational shifts in our own behaviour.
Small shifts - deciding to be on time this time, taking one sugar not two in your coffee, choosing to smile more - they're not hard to achieve. They just take a level of deciding and committing.
Imagine we're trains (go with me). You may have noticed this - but trains don't do right angles. They simply can't. Their mass and speed and length makes the whole notion absurd. If a train needs to change direction it does so one millimeter at a time. Very gradually the tracks curve left or right, no sharp movements, no massive change in direction. But before you know it, you've arrived at Brighton rather than Waterloo.
That's not to say 90 or 180 degree changes are wrong. Just not always necessary. Why make a dramatic change when a small one will do?
Sometimes, when we're fed up with our lives, we're tempted to make those big sweeping changes just for the sake of change. But sometimes it only takes a small thing to make all the difference. You may not need to find a new job, but rather change small elements of the one you have. You may think you need to lose 10 pounds, when in reality losing just two makes you feel and look better.
When it comes to making changes, the following is true:
- Change does happen overnight. It's the process of getting to the change that takes time.
- The toughest place to be is Making a Decision
- Smart change means resisting the temptation to throw everything away. It means recognising and keeping what's good, and addressing the not-so-good.
- The unknown is a doorway not a cliff. Change may be terrifying but it is also liberating.
For more, read 10 Ways to Change Your Life in an Instant
In the meantime, I'll be talking about those small changes and how they can dramatically improve your life tonight on Let's Get Real Radio with Cathy Matarazzo, (7pm to 8pm UK time). Listen in here: http://www.letsgetrealradio.ca/
Best wishes
Dawn
10 Ways to Change Your Life in an Instant
Contrary to what some might say, change does and can happen overnight. It happens quickly when we experience a deep and profound shift in the way we think. We get to the line we need to cross, step over it and realise we are never going to take the step back again.
While this shift can happen in an instant, it is often as a result of weeks, months, even years of agonising and deliberating over. The most difficult place to be is stuck in the process of making a decision.
With that in mind, here's a set of life-hacking techniques to bring change into your life without the fuss.
1. Change your perception
How we perceive our current situation is our reality. Changing our perception changes our reality. Sounds a bit heavy I know - but what this means is, you can change your life simply by looking at it in a different way. People experience this most dramatically when they have a chance to see their own life in contrast to someone better or worse off. Your problems don't seem like problems compared to a prisoner's or someone with only months to live, for example.
Action Ask yourself: How can I look at this situation differently/more positively/from a different angle? List the ways your perception of the situation might be hindering rather than helping you.
2. Tackle Your Tolerations
Tolerations are all those annoying things we're putting up with: the dripping tap, the pile of filing that's been sitting on the desk for months. The cumulative effect is that they zap energy and leave you feeling irritable and overwhelmed. Hardly a great frame of mind to be in if you want to create change in your life.
Action Grab a piece of paper and a pen. Write down everything (and everyone) that is bothering you. Don't edit yourself. Carry on writing until you can't think of anything else. Your goal is now to tackle one thing on that list per week. Get the tap fixed. Do your filing. Cross each item off as you do it. Your goal is to get to ZERO tolerations. How long it takes is up to you.
3. Change what you really think of yourself
How often does the internal critic pop up in your head listing all the ways you don't measure up? We believe everything we tell ourselves - unfortunately it's human nature to focus on our negatives rather than our positives. But how true are our own self-criticisms?
Action Day One- Spend a day taking note of all the times you say (out loud or internally) something negative about yourself. How often do you say things like - I'm so fat, I'm useless at numbers, etc etc? Write these down. Take each one and challenge it. Are you really all those things you say about yourself? Day Two and onwards - every time you catch yourself saying something negative, stop. Swap it for something positive. The goal is to eliminate all negative limiting beliefs from your thoughts.
4. Try something you've never done before
There's nothing like trying something new and different to alter your perspective and get you out of a rut.
Action Make a list of everything you really want to do or try in your life. Choose one thing. Do it. Move on to the next thing. Ask yourself - what is stopping me from doing this? What would it take for me to do this?
5. Find out where A is
To get anywhere different you need to have a clear picture of where you're starting from.
Action Take stock. Do a Life Audit. Assess your relationships, physical health, finances, work and career. Where are you really? What are you in denial about/not facing up to. This is point A - your starting point.
6. Decide where you want B to be
Action Imagine your own idea of a perfect life. Where do you live, what do you do? How often do you go out, what do you like to do in your spare time? Write it down. No need to edit, it's not an exercise in what's realistic. It's pure escapism (for the time being). What would it take you to get from where you are now (point A as defined in 5) to where you want to go - Point B? Be your own Sat Nav.
7. Perform a random act of kindness
It sounds a little twee maybe but it works. My own coach selects a random name from the phone directory every Christmas and sends that person £20 along with a note asking them to accept the gift and enjoy it however they see fit. That might not be to everyone's taste. But psychological research shows giving makes us feel happy and more fulfilled.
Action Find your own way to perform a random act of kindness.
8. Change your routine
We get into a pattern where we accept the routines we've created for ourselves. Don't settle. If you need a quick boost or feel in need of instant change, make a few alterations to your day.
Action Change the time you get up, exercise, what you have for breakfast, your route to work and your means of getting there, what you do for lunch, what you do when you get home and so on. You don't have to change everything. Pick one or two things if that's what feels right. Small changes to your routine can be enough to kick-start you out of the rut.
9. Stop should-ing yourself
Ever caught yourself saying "I should be doing x" or "I really need to do y"? The word should rings alarms bells to coaches as it indicates that a client is doing something that goes against what they really want to do. It does not come from an internal desire or motivation. Someone who says "I really should lose weight" hasn't yet got to the place where they want to lose weight, so any chance of actually sticking to a diet and exercise programme is highly unlikely.
Action List all the times you say should. Catch yourself when you say it. Challenge why you are using the word "should". Do you really want to lose weight, take a job offer, follow a certain career path - or are these someone else's expectations of you. Ask yourself: who am I doing this for? Practise saying no to things you feel you "should do" and focusing on things you are motivated to do.
10. Just say Yes
Do you automatically say no to something - a request, an invitation - without thinking it through? We can get into a pattern of saying no, when if we really thought about it, there's no reason not to say Yes. I'm thinking of my own children and how often they'll come to me to ask me something - along the lines of "Can you read me a story?" or "Can you play with me? And, being busy in the middle of making dinner or sending an email, I usually brush it off with a "Not now, later". What I find, in reality is just 5 minutes of my attention makes all the difference.
Action What are you saying No to when there's no reason not to say Yes?
Good luck with all your changes - big and small!
Best wishes,
Dawn
While this shift can happen in an instant, it is often as a result of weeks, months, even years of agonising and deliberating over. The most difficult place to be is stuck in the process of making a decision.
With that in mind, here's a set of life-hacking techniques to bring change into your life without the fuss.
1. Change your perception
How we perceive our current situation is our reality. Changing our perception changes our reality. Sounds a bit heavy I know - but what this means is, you can change your life simply by looking at it in a different way. People experience this most dramatically when they have a chance to see their own life in contrast to someone better or worse off. Your problems don't seem like problems compared to a prisoner's or someone with only months to live, for example.
Action Ask yourself: How can I look at this situation differently/more positively/from a different angle? List the ways your perception of the situation might be hindering rather than helping you.
2. Tackle Your Tolerations
Tolerations are all those annoying things we're putting up with: the dripping tap, the pile of filing that's been sitting on the desk for months. The cumulative effect is that they zap energy and leave you feeling irritable and overwhelmed. Hardly a great frame of mind to be in if you want to create change in your life.
Action Grab a piece of paper and a pen. Write down everything (and everyone) that is bothering you. Don't edit yourself. Carry on writing until you can't think of anything else. Your goal is now to tackle one thing on that list per week. Get the tap fixed. Do your filing. Cross each item off as you do it. Your goal is to get to ZERO tolerations. How long it takes is up to you.
3. Change what you really think of yourself
How often does the internal critic pop up in your head listing all the ways you don't measure up? We believe everything we tell ourselves - unfortunately it's human nature to focus on our negatives rather than our positives. But how true are our own self-criticisms?
Action Day One- Spend a day taking note of all the times you say (out loud or internally) something negative about yourself. How often do you say things like - I'm so fat, I'm useless at numbers, etc etc? Write these down. Take each one and challenge it. Are you really all those things you say about yourself? Day Two and onwards - every time you catch yourself saying something negative, stop. Swap it for something positive. The goal is to eliminate all negative limiting beliefs from your thoughts.
4. Try something you've never done before
There's nothing like trying something new and different to alter your perspective and get you out of a rut.
Action Make a list of everything you really want to do or try in your life. Choose one thing. Do it. Move on to the next thing. Ask yourself - what is stopping me from doing this? What would it take for me to do this?
5. Find out where A is
To get anywhere different you need to have a clear picture of where you're starting from.
Action Take stock. Do a Life Audit. Assess your relationships, physical health, finances, work and career. Where are you really? What are you in denial about/not facing up to. This is point A - your starting point.
6. Decide where you want B to be
Action Imagine your own idea of a perfect life. Where do you live, what do you do? How often do you go out, what do you like to do in your spare time? Write it down. No need to edit, it's not an exercise in what's realistic. It's pure escapism (for the time being). What would it take you to get from where you are now (point A as defined in 5) to where you want to go - Point B? Be your own Sat Nav.
7. Perform a random act of kindness
It sounds a little twee maybe but it works. My own coach selects a random name from the phone directory every Christmas and sends that person £20 along with a note asking them to accept the gift and enjoy it however they see fit. That might not be to everyone's taste. But psychological research shows giving makes us feel happy and more fulfilled.
Action Find your own way to perform a random act of kindness.
8. Change your routine
We get into a pattern where we accept the routines we've created for ourselves. Don't settle. If you need a quick boost or feel in need of instant change, make a few alterations to your day.
Action Change the time you get up, exercise, what you have for breakfast, your route to work and your means of getting there, what you do for lunch, what you do when you get home and so on. You don't have to change everything. Pick one or two things if that's what feels right. Small changes to your routine can be enough to kick-start you out of the rut.
9. Stop should-ing yourself
Ever caught yourself saying "I should be doing x" or "I really need to do y"? The word should rings alarms bells to coaches as it indicates that a client is doing something that goes against what they really want to do. It does not come from an internal desire or motivation. Someone who says "I really should lose weight" hasn't yet got to the place where they want to lose weight, so any chance of actually sticking to a diet and exercise programme is highly unlikely.
Action List all the times you say should. Catch yourself when you say it. Challenge why you are using the word "should". Do you really want to lose weight, take a job offer, follow a certain career path - or are these someone else's expectations of you. Ask yourself: who am I doing this for? Practise saying no to things you feel you "should do" and focusing on things you are motivated to do.
10. Just say Yes
Do you automatically say no to something - a request, an invitation - without thinking it through? We can get into a pattern of saying no, when if we really thought about it, there's no reason not to say Yes. I'm thinking of my own children and how often they'll come to me to ask me something - along the lines of "Can you read me a story?" or "Can you play with me? And, being busy in the middle of making dinner or sending an email, I usually brush it off with a "Not now, later". What I find, in reality is just 5 minutes of my attention makes all the difference.
Action What are you saying No to when there's no reason not to say Yes?
Good luck with all your changes - big and small!
Best wishes,
Dawn
Thursday, 7 October 2010
I felt so bad I...
When it comes to physical and emotional pain, we're quite clear on whether something hurts or not, and of course where it hurts. What we're not so clear on describing is how something hurts, or how much.
In other words, when we're trying to tell someone how bad we really feel, do they actually get it? Do they understand completely, this huge abstract and intangible thing we feel as pain? They can't see it, or touch it. Is their understanding of our pain limited by the language we use to express it?
According to Dr David Biro, author of The Language of Pain - Finding Words, Compassion and Relief, the answer is usually yes. Describing pain in more detail and more specifically to your doctor, for example, he says can make all the difference to your treatment, and can in some cases save your life.
"A good description of pain can be as important as a physical exam or an MRI scan in making the right diagnosis of an illness", (The Importance of Describing Pain to your GP, Dr David Biro, The Times, 31st August 2010).
"Saying your pain is a seven out of ten doesn’t convey very much," he says. "Rather, tell the doctor how pain affects your life — it’s so bad that it wakes me up at night - and what makes it better or worse - it helps to prop my leg on a pillow. A good story always registers more effectively than an abstract number."
So what about our emotional pain? Does the same rule apply when trying to convey how another's words or actions might have hurt us, for example?
With that in mind, I adapted Dr David's methodology to my own coaching sessions, in particular with the idea of helping my clients create a breakthrough in communication whether in their personal or professional lives. In the case of William*, a rugby-playing, hard-edged Alpha Male, the results were so profound, they've changed his negotiating style for the better.
I suggested instead that he be absolutely truthful and give a very colourful description of how his solicitor's actions had made him feel including the consequences of those feelings, along the lines of "Your handling of this case was so shockingly poor I became so stressed to the point that I was physically ill".
William thought about it for a moment. Talking about feelings wasn't usually part of his professional everyday vocabulary. But after a while I could see he was getting quite enthusiastic about the idea. He said he would give it a go.
I didn't have to wait long to find out how it went. A day later, William bounded up to me with a twinkle in his eye. "You know that advice you gave me, about describing to my solicitor how ill I had felt over his handling of the house sale? Well it absolutely worked. Thank you."
Dr David Biro teaches at SUNY Downstate, an academic medical centre in New York. The Language of Pain: Finding Words, Compassion, and Relief by David Biro is published by W. W.Norton, 18.99
In other words, when we're trying to tell someone how bad we really feel, do they actually get it? Do they understand completely, this huge abstract and intangible thing we feel as pain? They can't see it, or touch it. Is their understanding of our pain limited by the language we use to express it?
According to Dr David Biro, author of The Language of Pain - Finding Words, Compassion and Relief, the answer is usually yes. Describing pain in more detail and more specifically to your doctor, for example, he says can make all the difference to your treatment, and can in some cases save your life.
"A good description of pain can be as important as a physical exam or an MRI scan in making the right diagnosis of an illness", (The Importance of Describing Pain to your GP, Dr David Biro, The Times, 31st August 2010).
"Saying your pain is a seven out of ten doesn’t convey very much," he says. "Rather, tell the doctor how pain affects your life — it’s so bad that it wakes me up at night - and what makes it better or worse - it helps to prop my leg on a pillow. A good story always registers more effectively than an abstract number."
"A good story always registers more effectively than an abstract number"
So what about our emotional pain? Does the same rule apply when trying to convey how another's words or actions might have hurt us, for example?
With that in mind, I adapted Dr David's methodology to my own coaching sessions, in particular with the idea of helping my clients create a breakthrough in communication whether in their personal or professional lives. In the case of William*, a rugby-playing, hard-edged Alpha Male, the results were so profound, they've changed his negotiating style for the better.
William was furious with his solicitors who had, he believed, acted completely negligently in the purchase of his new house, to the extent that the sale almost didn't go through. To William, this wasn't just any house, it was his dream home, a beautiful house in a rural setting he'd first set eyes on some eight months' earlier. After months of negotiating, the house was almost his, until his solicitor got involved and started causing problems.
"It was clear he was too busy to read through the information he was being sent through by the vendor's solicitors. He wasn't passing on questions I had about the house, I had to rewrite letters he was sending to the other side, and on the day we were about to exchange, he went on holiday. The first I knew about it was the "out of office" notice I received when I sent him an email".
Says William, "I completely lost it at that point. I got angrier than I have ever been in my life. I could feel my blood pressure rising and I felt absolutely sick with stress and dread".
"It was clear he was too busy to read through the information he was being sent through by the vendor's solicitors. He wasn't passing on questions I had about the house, I had to rewrite letters he was sending to the other side, and on the day we were about to exchange, he went on holiday. The first I knew about it was the "out of office" notice I received when I sent him an email".
Says William, "I completely lost it at that point. I got angrier than I have ever been in my life. I could feel my blood pressure rising and I felt absolutely sick with stress and dread".
William came to me wanting some coaching ahead of a phone call he wanted to make to his solicitor to go over the handling of the conveyancing and also to negotiate the fees down.
As we discussed how he wanted the negotiations to go, I was aware that William was using very vague and emotionless words to describe his feelings. He said things like, "The service was completely unacceptable" and, "The handling of this was incredibly unprofessional". The words may sound very adult and sensible but they did little to convey the desperation William had actually been feeling at the time. The words were a barrier rather than a conduit.
As we discussed how he wanted the negotiations to go, I was aware that William was using very vague and emotionless words to describe his feelings. He said things like, "The service was completely unacceptable" and, "The handling of this was incredibly unprofessional". The words may sound very adult and sensible but they did little to convey the desperation William had actually been feeling at the time. The words were a barrier rather than a conduit.
I suggested instead that he be absolutely truthful and give a very colourful description of how his solicitor's actions had made him feel including the consequences of those feelings, along the lines of "Your handling of this case was so shockingly poor I became so stressed to the point that I was physically ill".
William thought about it for a moment. Talking about feelings wasn't usually part of his professional everyday vocabulary. But after a while I could see he was getting quite enthusiastic about the idea. He said he would give it a go.
I didn't have to wait long to find out how it went. A day later, William bounded up to me with a twinkle in his eye. "You know that advice you gave me, about describing to my solicitor how ill I had felt over his handling of the house sale? Well it absolutely worked. Thank you."
According to William, the conversation had started very stilted, with both sides acting defensively to the point where no progress was being made. "But when I said how ill the whole situation had made me, the conversation changed. We started talking on the same level. I think by being so open and honest, it brought down some barriers. Everything changed from that point on".
William was able to negotiate the fees down, the lawyer apologised, the conversation ended on a mutually agreeable note.
William was able to negotiate the fees down, the lawyer apologised, the conversation ended on a mutually agreeable note.
Being specific about how things affect us - not just "this upset me" or "I was bothered by"... but saying "I was so annoyed I went home in a mood, and had an argument with my husband and my whole evening was ruined" or "She provoked me so much I literally broke down sobbing" - can be incredibly transformative. It may sound weak to describe your feelings in this way, but by doing so you paint a picture of colour and depth to the other person in a way they can't help identify and, hopefully, empathise with.
In other words:
1. Be specific - say exactly what's bothering you and why.
2. Be descriptive - describe how something has affected you on a personal level.
3. Describe the consequences of how something has made you feel: "I was so upset by your comment I didn't sleep all night", for example, rather than "I was really upset".
3. Describe the consequences of how something has made you feel: "I was so upset by your comment I didn't sleep all night", for example, rather than "I was really upset".
Best wishes,
Dawn
Dr David Biro teaches at SUNY Downstate, an academic medical centre in New York. The Language of Pain: Finding Words, Compassion, and Relief by David Biro is published by W. W.Norton, 18.99
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